13 March 2008

The Great Debate

I have a discussion with myself weekly and sometimes daily on whether I really want to get married or not. It's an important question because it determines how I interact with the opposite sex. For example if I feel like I'm not trying to get married and I'll just roll single the rest of my days I might not trip if a girl has a couple issues or things I don't care for, why? because I'm not planning on keeping her anyway. Now if I'm in a "I need a wife" kinda mood I look at the whole package and what she could bring to my life. I always view dates as interviews, you meet ask a couple questions get a feel for one another and if it seems good you get a call back. The question is what job are you applying for? girlfriend, wife or jumpoff. There are very different questions you ask for those positions.

I also have the issue weather I would even want to be married. My family has a horrible track record. with marriage and honestly I only know 2 young people who are happily married. Within my family all 10 of my uncles and aunts are divorced and a high percentage of my cousins are either divorced or in unhappy marriages. So on one hand it seems in the cards for me to fail at marriage but on the other they have nothing to do with me and how I do things. I have a chance to break the cycle.

So I have my family history on my back but I also have my daughter. Most people get married to have kids. I skipped a step lol. But really there is a reason you are supposed to find someone to spend your life with before you have kids. See if your married then you should love that person and want to do anything for them so when you have kids your love for that person should grow because you have that biological bond.(granted all this applies to a perfect world that doesn't exist) When your married there shouldn't be a question of who comes first? your wife or your kids? Hopefully you and your wife will both want the best for you children. So you don't have to make that choice. Now as a single dad I have to put my baby first. It's unreasonable for me to expect a woman to put my baby before her and I know plenty women who have bitterness towards their boyfriend/husbands kids. So then I'll be married and constantly wondering how she really feels about my daughter. Then what happens when my daughter gets older. What if her and my future wife butt heads all the time. I'll be living in a war zone between people I love. Let me get to the positives of marriage because I'm starting to talk myself out of it.

Have you ever seen 2 people who really love each other? it's sicking they all happy and shyt, I want that lol I want to make people sick. I remember going to my buddies wedding and seeing just how happy his wife was. I couldn't shake the feeling that I want to make someone that happy, she was the first bride I'd even seen who was just glowing, she couldn't stop smiling it was crazy. When a marriage works it's great, I feel like I'd be cheating myself if I didn't give it a shot. I see my uncles and as much as I could see myself being just like them I don't want to be like them. My uncle was cooking a whole chicken one sunday and begged me to take some because he couldn't eat it all. I don't want to be old cooking more than I can eat.

Plus I think I want another child. I wanna know how the who married with kids thing feels. I've been single so there is a whole nother part of life I'm missing out on. Some days I feel like my children deserve to at least know what a happy married household should look like. Now that could turn horribly wrong on me and jack my kids up by having them in a war zone between their parents. See there are alot of things to consider lmao. Today I'm feeling the love and I'm thinking about Mrs Right, tomorrow who knows. As I'm writing this I'm thinking that I'll stop thinking about it and just go about my daily life, Someone told me that your only single till that person comes along who changes your outlook. Anyway it's food for thought, you do the dishes lol

13 comments:

Opinionated Diva said...

Love that last line.

Sounds like my family is a lot like yours...lots of divorced or unhappily married folks.

If you haven't found someone that you can see yourself spending forever with, then don't drive yourself crazy thinking marriage.

Too many people get married just because...when they knew from jump the person they married was NOT the one.

Brittany_83 said...

Great post!! I wonder if I want to get married as well. Sometimes I want to and sometimes I don't. Just don't go looking for someone because you won't get what you are looking for. And I just realized something while reading, almost all of my family members are NOT married.

Eb the Celeb said...

Awweee... that is so sweet... I too want to make people sick... and glow, and all that jazz... (sigh)

Tamela said...

Being unhappily married at one time has really put a damper on my feelings towards marriage to some degree..I go back and forth just like you..but all in all its a big risk either way.

MP said...

Great post. I have been in a relationship for five years now and I figured that I would wait maybe 2 more years and then, maybe, I would want to get married. About 3 weeks ago all that changed. Something just hit me and am totally ready. It is the strangest thing. I guess it's true, when you are ready you will know.

Eb the Celeb said...

Oh... but you cant measure the success of what your relationship can be based on your family's past situations. Set a precedent and set an example for the rest of your family.

~Eb

NikkiJ said...

Everything you said is valid and applies to a whole lot of other single folk including myself. But, no matter how many ugly/failed relationships I see, I still believe that when two people can work together to achieve whatever(strong family, success, etc.) then they can not be stopped. You probably already have a best friend (a real friend) hanging around somewhere that you've excluded for some dumb reason. Marry her.

Ms. Behaving said...

@ 35, most of my friends who are slightly younger than I am think I should be pressed to tie the knot but I'm not...

I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to happen it will on it's own time and NOT because I'm worried about some bootleg biological clock or my pesky @ss girlfriends. [LOL]

You can't let the fact that your family has a less than perfect track record [with marriage] be the judge of whether or not you should take the plunge.

You gotta go into it with positive thoughts in order to get a positive outcome.

Ms. Lovely said...

dang and all i want is a boyfriend at this point :/ I understand what you mean about the step mom thing. In some cases it works out but in others it can be a disaster. Here's to hoping you can share half that chicken with someone other than your Uncle Junebug haha j/p

(love your blog:)

DollFace said...

"I want to make people sick"

I heart you for that line because I've used it a million times.

I'm no expert, what I do know is that you cannot base your possible future on the failures of others. I read today about a couple who have been married for 83 years. Their secret...remain faithful to your vows. Clearly, your situation is different, but...it can still happen :-)

One Man’s Opinion said...

that's very deep, right there, brother. I like what you said about the importance of not "skipping a step" and how the birth of a child adds to the love of a married couple. (Of course I am putting it in my own words). I also like what you said about how when you don't skip a step there should never be a question on who comes first and not having to worry about if the person in your life accepts your child, because it is both of your child. The world is so crazy now, you can't just go trusting anybody with you children. I wish I could get my little sister to see that, she skipped a step as well. You said some very powerful stuff there, my brother and yet I still want the child without the baggage. LOL. At least I use to...Now I am content to be just solo. One important thing you missed about marriage and child birth. The buffer zone. Child rearing is rewarding, but hard as hell. Children don't want much except all of your attention and time and a good parent wants to give that to them. That is hard as hell to do as a one man. Every now and then you need that buffer so you can get some rest. God knew what what was doing, it is us that mess up the rotation. I have no kids, but I keep my nephew, who is two now, and he wants all his uncle's attention (I have to go buy his butt a suit for Easter today). He wears me out. I tell the rest of my family it is easy for them because the have spouses and older children to pick up the slack. I only have me. Anyway, I kind of got off track, but that is the function of a good post...to spark conversation, and yours was a very good post. Peace.

Ieisha said...

So your blog is officially my new addiction. This has definitely given me a topic for my latest blog....check it out if you have time.

But glad to know there are members of the opposite species out there that think on the same things that I do. You took the thoughts right out of my head. I won't turn this comment into a mini-blog, will write my own on my page, lol.

I look forward to reading more from you.

JEM said...

Well, I can understand your concerns. I am currently in a relationship with a man whose daughter is getting ready to turn two. Now in those past two years he has been through hell and back with baby mama yet he wants to get married and have more kids with me. Oddly enough knowing how important she is to him makes her so important to me. I love Nadia so much and I would do anything to know this little girl is smiling happy and healthy. Now women bump heads true enough but if you find a woman who genuinely loves you and your daughter you can't go wrong.