23 May 2008

Live from the Corner pt. Tha Carter

Aight so you may remember me complaining that I couldn't eat lunch at my new desk. It was too open and I didn't feel comfortable. Well one of my co-workers, asks me if I want to join them for lunch. These the same co-workers who punked dude in a parked car. I say yeah and we head to "Tha Carter" as they called it. Turns out this is just a section of the back of the cafeteria where these dudes push 4 tables together and scope out women. Now damn if EVERY fine women in my building didn't wave and say hi to them. I learned a couple things from this.
1. The cafeteria is alot like a high school cafeteria.
2. The dudes in my crew know all the women in my building.

Knowing this there is no way I could holla at any girl in my building. I've heard them talk about the girls but actually seeing how these dudes get down I'ma have to keep my pleasure outside the building. Besides that Tha Carter was great, sitting up here is alot more like the neighborhood corner. And the beauty of it all is they do completely different work than me so when they boss says something I can just walk away.

That said I'm going to forward an email my Vice President/Lawyer sent me about office workers. I have plenty of these people in my office.

1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8.SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20 May 2008

On the Campaign trail

Ok so the first step on my pursuit of becoming president was to join my homeowners association. Well My cousin is the president and she had been asking me to come out because she needed help, I finally agreed. So first off I had my daughter with me it was at 7pm and daycare had been closed and her mom didn't seem to care that I was doing something so me and my sidekick hit up the local church (where the meeting was being held). I walked in and 2 people were waiting for me. I said hi and introduced myself. No sign of my cousin. We waited like 10 min and then 2 more people showed up. So we went back to this room. Why the hell was it the church classroom? Full of toys! My daughter ran off to play with the kitchen, all I could do was lower and shake my head. It was going to be a long meeting.

As soon as I sit down this guy looks me dead in the face and asks "are you a homeowner?" I replied "umm Yeah for about 5 years now, you ignorant bastard!" ok that last part was in my head but who the hell was he to ask me? I was at a HOMEOWNERS meeting. Why else would I be wasting my thursday night? Turns out he is the Vice President. And maybe I shouldn't have been there in full drug dealer gear (white tee, jeans and jordans) but I did have my daughter with me, so that should have told him something. So was already upset with him. he didn't ask anyone else just me. N E Way my cousin finally shows and there are 7 people there total, this includes the officers so in reality there are 2 regular homeowners. Me and this other lady who suffered some flood damage from all the rain we received. I don't know where all my neighbors were but apparently this small ass group decides how to spend out homeowners money. Did I mention my daughter has taken her shoes off and is playing dress up with some random shoes she found in a dress up bin? yeah she is being quiet but I keep giving her dirty looks to keep her in check. Overall she behaved, I was proud of her.

So the meeting is going on, they are talking about crime in the area (can you believe kids in the burbs are spray painting stuff?) They mention some other stuff and the meeting is over. I chat with my cuz for a second and she tells me if I join the architecture committee I don't have to pay my dues. I'm all for not paying stuff so I agree. Basically I have to snitch on my neighbors about how they messing up they house. that's easy enough. And I'm in charge of some spreadsheet, to save that $70 a month I'm all in.

Step one of my campaign is complete, now all I have to do is move up the ranks and become VP. I can't overtake my family, I'm too nice for that.

On another note I was telling my niece about running for president and she told her mom about it. Do you know what my dear sister said? of course you don't but she said "You need a degree to be a Senator". Damn haters.. lol I think she still bitter that I got a higher SAT score than her without studying. She was the smart sibling till that, I'm lazy not dumb... lol she might be right but she didn't have to say anything. Now I have to go back to school and finish my bachelors degree. This may be a long campaign.

Can I take a minute to say how much I love my Niece? She's 14 and wants to be a Broadway actress. What kid has dreams like that? I'm amazed she is related to me. This lead to a discussion about me bringing my secret service detail to her shows. She doesn't even call me Uncle Dave, she just calls me Davey. I'm not even mad about it that's my homie. She give me hope for the future, she not all on boys dicks, she dresses her age, she appreciates stuff. She is everything I expect a teenage girl to be. Hopefully she will not lose her mind in high school.

19 May 2008

A blog about nothing

I'll be honest, I was up till 2am "watching movies" last night....no really I watched Roscoe Jenkins on a B grade bootleg. Then I went to sleep, I rolled over and woke up at 5am. So my mind is pretty much mush. So this blog is about nothing. I just wanted to post something. Kinda feels like I'm wasting your time. I'm sorry about that.I understand if you wanna leave now


-I thought about this for a minute who would have thought blogging about nothing would require so much thought...i mean jerry Seinfeld had a whole show about nothing and it lasted 9 years I should at least be able to fill this post. Maybe that's why he is rich and I'm not.. hmmmm

-My lil cousin wrote a play and it won some competition. So now real actors are going to act it out, I'm excited for him. He asked me to go see it and how could I refuse? I love the kids. I don't even talk to him like that but I guess I encouraged him enough to reach out to me when he needed support. That makes me feel good.

-I think everyone was right about my baby momma just wanting to get on someone about the whole PB&J thing. I hate being #1 on her complaint list. Oh well I guess she knows I wont respond so that makes me a good punching bag... lol

-So my new PTY(pretty young thing) is already making plans for us to go to Atlantic City, Ocean City and Vegas. I'm starting to get worried *cue fear of commitment feelings, planing escape route*

-I'm having a BBQ this weekend, I'll be sure to post pics of the food. And for all those asking I'm not sure when the 2nd episode of "Cooking with Dave" will be filmed. Me and my cameraman are on different schedules. So either I need to take a day off work and get him to film it or get a new cameraman. Filming the BBQ food would be ideal though... maybe I can get my niece to do it. hmmm did I mention I'm making my world famous rum cake? and I'm making collard greens. I've never made them before but it looked easy enough on the food channel, fukk it I go for the gold lol (side note everything I make is world famous, call it the Kanye in me, I don't even care if you don't like it. It's world famous to me lol) I'm also going to grill up some of that fish I caught. the more I think about it the more I think it needs to be filmed *Wade if your reading this you need to take off work and make this happen, You'll make more money trust me*


OK I just remembered something I meant to blog about, kinda late now huh? Well I'll type it up and post it Wednesday. lets just say VOTE DAVE 2032!!!! lol