26 January 2009

The Thin Line

Usually I would do a weekend wrap up but i think today I'ma talk about being a dad. Specifically being a dad to a lil girl with a baby momma since that's all I have experience with.

My baby occasionally tells her mom that I beat her or hit her in the face. The truth is I rarely ever spank her. I might raise my voice and MAYBE once a month I spank her leg or butt. I've never hit her face because that shyt is just wrong. Now my daughter is 4 so I take everything she says with grain of salt. I mean this is the same lil girl who swears she sees Clifford the Big Red Dog everyday at school. Her mom takes everything she says as truth.

I think she tells these stories to get a reaction out of her mom. She uses it as a way to get on her moms good side since she knows her mom is just waiting to toss me under the bus. Every couple weeks her mom calls me to explains that the baby said i did such and such and she doesn't want me spanking her because it will make our daughter think it's ok for a man to hit her. She tells me how I should discipline our daughter and says that she will make me understand this in anyway she has too.

Now while I understand her point, I don't think a father spanking his daughter will open the door to an abusive relationship. I can't help but be offended that she believes I would hit my daughter in the face. I take that as a attack on my character. I mean how could she really think I was that type of dude? It's not like I EVER put my hands on her when we were together, and she upset me more than my baby ever could. Actually she has never seen me put hands on anybody, male or female. She doesn't even ASK me if I did it. She just assumes I did and responds. So I find myself in a place where my love for my baby is questioned. How can you prove your love for a child? especially to someone who doesn't sees your interactions with the child.

Just another twist in the complex baby daddy- baby momma relationship.

*I just realized the title of this blog might not have anything to do with the story. And this is post #200, I'm rolling.. lol


The Jaded NYer said...

Well... that's a tough one...

The main thing to rectify THIS MINUTE is for the two of you to sit with the baby and show a unified front; that child is learning at an early age that she can pit one parent against the other and that can get really bad really fast.

I don't know if your ex is someone who can be reasoned with, but I'd try it anyway.

re: the spankings... I'm not opposed to it, but I rarely let my ex do the spanking in the house, especially because he was a dude and we have girls. I just felt, you know, he's stronger than me, bigger than me... if he hit them it might really hurt or even mess with their heads, so I handled all the heavy punishments.

Come to think of it, that's how it was in my house, too- Papi never beat us, ever; only the women in the family handled the spankings for the girls.

Aretha said...

Hi. I've been reading for a while, but this is my first time commenting.

I agree that you two have to sit down with her. And, even more talk to her about action and consequence. If she disobeys daddy may spank her. She has to know that it's ok with you and her mom.

I personally don't have a problem with a dad spanking as well as a mom. Of course, I don't think kids should be abused, but punishments, in my opinion, have to come from both parents or the child will play you both differently.

Good luck!

Amber-Alert said...

the whole baby mama/daddy thing is tough but she's gonna have to stop making assumptions i mean i'm sorry but everything a 3 or 4 year old says has to be taken with a grain of salt...but yea i agree she is learning early to get her mom going and to get yall going at each other...nip that in the bud.

Just Jasmine said...

The saddest part is right here:
She uses it as a way to get on her moms good side since she knows her mom is just waiting to toss me under the bus.

When a 4 year old realizes this, there is a problem.
I don't think a man discipling his child spawns an abusive relationship unless the father is abusing the child which is a whole different chapter.
You, your ex and your daughter need to put a stop to this behavior before it's too late and her tales become more complex and more inclusive and told to a mandated reporter becuase this is no joke.

I wish you all the best in this b/c it's no easy feat. You and the mom need a united front.

RealHustla said...

Damn, Dave, this post made me want to cry because I go through the same thing. My daughter is bad as hell, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if we one day got kicked out of some place if I let her just do what she wants to. I hate man handling her because I think the same thing that your baby momma does (that if I grab her by the collar or something, she's going to take that as the norm and not be alarmed if a grown man does it to her down the line). However, I know that if her father was around to discipline her, my life would be smoother. Because he is not, I find myself being forced to kick it up a notch, being that extra discipline that should be reserved for a second parent. As a result, somebody somewhere in my life felt it necessary to call CPS. Email me, and I'll fill you in on the saga if you like.

Jurista said...

Reasoning with the BM.....like trying to swim without getting wet.

Give it a whirl still. At least that way, you can't say that you didn't try.

The baby has to understand that lying is not good. I think that would be the best route to take it. Not that she's lying on her dad but lying period. It's cool to have an imagination and play fantasy land but some things should never be put into the make-believe....you hitting her in the face is one.

As for the BM...her assumption is just dead wrong. Cuz if she believed you were actually doing that, why does she still allow the baby to spend time with you unsupervised? I know if it were me and my son's father was giving him hay-makers in the face, there would be no more visits to daddy's house.

Yeah, it's shitty to think that the BM thinks so little of your character that she would take it as golden and think you were abusive.

As for discipline as a whole, I'm with you. Buddha is 3 and probably has had 3 spankings in his whole life. Not much for that one. I can do it better with other methods. Keep doing you. I trust your judgment.

If it would help, I'd vote for the two of you to sit down with her so she knows she can't continue playing one hand against the other.

jolie fatale said...

I agree with the previous commenters ..you need to first sit down with the BM and talk and then talk with the BM, your baby and yourself so that this does not get out of hand or GET YOU IN LEGAL trouble in the future...

IT would be sad if this went to far..

Opinionated Diva said...

It's hard for me to believe the baby told her that and easier for me to believe that the bm made it all up.

but...if the baby DID tell her that, then i agree with everyone who said you should speak to the baby TOGETHER...if that is possible. if the bm doesn't want to do that, then maybe you need to have a talk with the baby about why it's important not to make up stuff like that.

i had an overactive imagination as a child myself. boy could i tell some whoppers...so, my mother read that "sky is falling" story...the one with turkey lurkey and penny henny. lol! the moral being if you lie all the time, nobody believes you when you're telling the truth...good stuff

Creative1k said...

I 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th the motion to have a unified seating with the child. I too, am involved in the baby daddy, baby mama fiasco, so I know the feeling. My opinion do it now to nip all this pop vs moms stuff in the bud. I'm 10 yrs deep and wished I would've done it earlier.

Caspar608 said...

if it is impossible to sit with your babies momma without having an overwhelming urge to throw up, perhaps you all could go to a family counselor, with the baby, and see what is going on with her.

maybe its just the opposite dave. maybe she(the baby)wants you two to come together for HER sake and be a family unit. or maybe, someone in day care is acting crazy? dont be discouraged. parenting isnt for cowards. and I apologize if I offend anyone with the following statement, but my personal opinion is some of these fast ass little girls out here didnt get their asses beat by their fathers at all or enough when you consider all of the girls gone wild videos or little girls acting crazy beating other little girls up and youtubing the shenanigans and wha not. a father needs to be firm with a daughter or she will NEVER respect a man. if a man cannot trust himself enough to show restraint while using a belt, then he needs to let the mother do it. I am not saying use a belt on a four year old, but definitely a 10 year old who thinks she is a grown up. 4 year olds should be in therapy when they are trying to manipulate parents. so, look into what your insurance will cover and take it from there...but I think mediation might be in order.

good luck on this one SDVB.

Carolyn (cmarie12) said...

I've read your post twice today...and then read all the comments and I keep coming back to..."Does the BM really want to co-parent with you?" or "Does she just want to use your child against you?" Cause it really sounds like the last...just one more thing to hit you over the head with because you two are no longer together.

It will be interesting to hear how you resolve this...because resolve this you must. Your daughter's character hangs in the balance...will this just be an episode of childhood lying or will this become a character flaw where as an adult she thinks that lying is preferable to the truth?!

RunningMom said...

So long as you love and pay attention to your daughter way more than you discipline her, all will be good.

Talk to her, teach her, show her you love her and you will earn her respect.

Respect goes a long way when it comes to discipline.

clnmike said...

I agree with Jaded, the girl is doing what we call splitting.

The BM is going to have to get on board to curb this behavior or it will get worse.

BorednTalkative said...

Wow this is a tough situation. But I agree with everyone else. All three of you need to sit down together and talk, before it goes too far. If she's telling her mother this, she could easily tell a teacher at school and then things can just go terribly wrong. Good luck.

Sha Boogie said...

I completely sympathize with you because Snappy's 5 year old daughter does the same thing. Tell her mother some completely inaccurate ish.. and the mom can't wait to call wildin' on some lie. *smh*

Ms. Behaving said...

As a parent myself, I know how important it is to take the things that come out of your child(ren)s mouth SERIOUSLY but for your BM NOT to give you the benefit of the doubt and to just assume you are doing something like this when as you said [in so many words], she's never witnessed this type of behavior from you before is flat out ridiculous.

Brothers Blog said...

I think even as parents in the baby mom/dad situation you have to somehow find a way to talk about it. I'm in the same situation and luckily me and mines can talk when it comes to our son.

But I think in your instance all of you, your daughter included need to talk. I can't see your daughter not telling the truth while you're there in front of her and her mom.