17 June 2009

The art of NO

Being a man you get used to the word "NO" and losing you experience it all the time. Some girl you drool over turns you down, you lose a game/bet basically all your life you have had to learn how to deal with rejection. This is an important trait, you fall and learn how to get back up. I'm all for kids learning HOW to lose. It helps you not get mad when girl after girl turns you down. You don't have to like it but you have to know how to accept that it does and will happen.

We were having a convo at work about kids playing sports and not keeping score. the kids just play for a hour and nobody wins or loses. I thought that was the dumbest thing ever, their argument was that if no one loses then nobody can be called a "loser" and the winning team has nobody to tease. I argued that kids need to learn how to win and lose properly. Not keeping score is just handicapping their growth.

I think way too many women never learn this life lesson. They don't learn how to lose. Women get chased all their lives. Even if your turning down ugly, no job having dudes you are being chased. You see if they drool over a dude, they wait for him to approach her. If he never does then they didn't get rejected it just never happened. It's easier to deal with a what if then a rejection. Very few women will jump out there and face rejection. Men do it regularly. I know a few women who just can't cope with rejection. A dude they like decides that he doesn't want them and they get depressed. They treat it like it's the first loss they have ever experienced. They question everything about life, get down and start a pity party with ice cream. eventually they just decide to quit men and relationships and become bitter. When dudes get rejected we get down too but just like a basketball player we keep shooting! your bound to hit a shot eventually. This why dudes seem to bounce back from bad break-ups quicker, we have learned to get up dust yourself off and keep playing. you can't sit on the ground crying just because you got knocked down. You complain to the refs and get back in the game.. lol

Even my daughter has problems with "NO". She asks for something and when I decline and she either cries or says "please, pretty please" until she gets tired. She knows that she can wear people down to get her way. I was guilty of caving in, part of me can't stand people complaining and I hate whining people even more. So instead of hearing that I just give her what she wants. As a public service I started to stand my ground just so she can learn that you don't get everything you want and life doesn't always go your way. Whining gets you nothing in life, the earlier she learns that the better she will be. That and she will keep score in any game she plays.

14 comments:

BorednTalkative said...

My daughter did something like that to me this morning. We were on the train and she has a habit of approaching people and talking and sitting with them. I'm trying to get her out of that. Anyway she wanted to sit between two people and I told her no. She started crying and whining, but i stayed tough and she continued to cry for most of the train journey but she finally realised I wasn't gonna change my mind so she stopped.

People do need to learn how to lose gracefully and move on. I probably wouldn't approach a guy, but that's because I'm shy.

Krissy said...

I think people in general, not just women don't deal well with rejection. And while most women openly vent and show sadness and frustration, men tend to hide theirs or hold it in. They get just as upset and depressed as women do over a bad break up. They hold on to all the stuff from the past and carry it into the next relationship. They compare the next check to the last and so forth and so on, the same as women do. The genders aren't so different. We just show our emotions differently.

And Kids don't like to be told no by their parents because for most kids, like yours, you give in. So telling them no isn't an option and when you do say it, it's not going to go over well after all the times you said yes. There just needs to be a balance there with kids. And they will most def test the limits.

Diva said...

This is Diva...I'm too lazy to log in.

Totally disagree with you and I’m not disagreeing just because I like to disagree (tee hee!). 

Very few people deal well with rejection…how it’s handled varies with each individual not necessarily each person’s sex.  Shyt…I had a dude throw a bottle at me because I wouldn’t respond to his psssst psssst psst.  I think it’s an individual thing not necessarily a man/woman issue. 

I do agree with you as far as the scoreless game…that’s dumb.  I bet the kids kept track of score any way…I would have! Lol 

PS: your daughter doesn’t like “NO” because she’s a daddy’s girl and you spoil her – just as you should. lol

Insatiable One said...

Dave, you are going to make me quote you again. Nice post with some valid points. Definitely something to think about.

Ms. Behaving said...

I think it's an excellent message you are teaching your daughter....

Granted we women might not [okay...we DEFINITELY don't] get rejected as often as men do but it's just as important that we too know how to bounce back from it.

Opal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JACK said...

The problem I have with this post is your putting men and women into stereotypical categories - but straight people are wont to do that. It's all about MEN and WOMEN and character traits and girls don't play with trucks and boys don't play with dolls. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

You're pinning depression as a woman's ailment and you're wrong. Men get depressed too and some really don't keep shooting ... (or they shoot blanks, but that's a different story entirely) ... and neither makes them less of a man.

I agree with the comment above mine that says that few people deal well with rejection. Man or Woman - rejection sucks. The reality is that it is socially acceptable for woman to express their disappointment with it, but "boys don't cry."

It's all bullshit - if my son wants to play with dolls, have at it. If he wants to cry because his feelings are hurt fine. He can do everything my daughter can do. And likewise, neither of them can date until they're 16. (And even then, there's a background check required)

I hear where you're coming from - but the double standard as the backdrop to your point doesn't sit well with JACK.

But I'll still read your stuff, cuz I like you. :-)

(and you cook, I hear - and I like to eat.)

fortysomethingandfabulous said...

Good post, however I dont agree with your statement about woman dont know how to take rejection...

There are a lot men out here that have problems with rejection also.. some of them can get down right dirty, ugly and call you every name in the book if they dont get there way with you...

I had an incident with my daughters father earlier this week (you can read it on my blog) because his request was rejected.. he had a tantrum....

I am a woman that knows how to pick her self up and keep it moving.. I don't allow anyones rejection to get me down.. I keep in mind that not everything is for everyone.... and its their lose not mine...

Second, I know sometimes you can't avoid hurt feelings especially in relationships, however I try not to put myself in any situation which will result in rejection or hurt feeling...

As for my daughter who is 10.. she knows the word no quite well.. I can be tough and she knows you dont always get what you want.....

Ieisha said...

I'm all for losing.

Buddha loses at Memory and Hi Ho Cherry-O all the time! Lol. Although he beats Mister most of the time. But I want him to know that he's not guaranteed a win everytime he steps to the plate.

That whole not keeping score business is for the birds!!

I agree with you on the dating/losing analogy with women. It makes me sick. Can't stand 'em! But that also goes with not needing another person to validate your worth. Just cuz that loser (pun intended) didn't wanna holla doesn't mean that you don't deserve to walk the Earth with the rest of us. Be your own validation and know your own worth. Depending on other folks is never a good thing.

Good post!!

Achilles said...

At first I was like, 'where is he going with this?' As I read, I began to see what you were saying. And I agree. It's important to learn that no, you're not going to win all the time, but you're not going to lose all the time either. You'll be a better rounded person having dealt with both outcomes.

Good post!

buttahflychronicles said...

Tradition states that the woman should be pursued. Therefore not many women have been trained by their mothers (and damn sure not by their fathers) to "keep shooting baskets" in the world of dating. And, I doubt very seriously that loosing a ball game or not getting candy when you want it is going to help in this area all that much. First we would have to change men's minds about how a woman who goes after men regularly is perceived.

For example... Many men complain about the fact that their wives won't give them no head. Well, I believe that it's that very same characteristic of "I don't/won't do that" that attracted that man to her and made him want to wife her in the first place. He wanted someone who hadn't been around. The only way he could gauge her experience is to see how she treated him or go by what he'd heard about her. He chose his wife OVER the girl who'd given him head previously. Even though he'd never own up to this.

Furthermore, it is my expereince that men will always treat you how you first presented yourself and even misconstrue that first presentation. If you don't mind dating a lot and don't seem to get hurt when things don't work out, this makes you cold and heartless.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

Hey Supa Dave, Good post. First I would like to say that I do agree with the kids not keeping score is crazy because kids do need to learn that they will not win at everything because thats a part of life.

But when you get to the part about women that's a whole different ball game. I don't know if its the whole rejection thing that they can't deal with. I think part of it is the dishonesty. You from DC you know how it work . I guy in this area will pursue a chick be cool about a good month and then start switching it up after selling about 10 thousand dreams. Grant it the chick shouldn't get caught up that quick but you know as well as I know there is a shortage of men in DC and the women just can't help themselves. I do believe that if a women see someone that they may be interested in they should pursue it. It's healthy and you never know you might not get a date but you might get a good connect for a job.

Also they are just as many men who can't handle rejection. I have seen many of dudes balled up in a corner over some chick. The only difference is when they get around their boys they try to act like it's all good where as women just let it all hang up.

Good post!!!

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I love my two children dearly and would give them the world if I could, but one thing they have got to learn is you don't always get what you want that is life.

And men can't are the ones who can't handle rejection. I turn a man down he gets mad a calls names or tells me I ain't all that. . .(was when you were trying to get at it).

Anonymous said...

Super Dave, I have been a lurking fan of yours for some time now and never commented. I was just catching up and I read you have a GIRLFRIEND! I ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR!! You are actually admitting it and giving her major props. I wish her the best of luck... Oh I wish you the best of luck also...