08 October 2009

Support Systems

The other day I was kinda depressed. I was at the playground watching my baby run around and was thinking how she has no idea whats going on. She just wants to have fun. Meanwhile me and her mom are pretty much at war with each other.

this got me to thinking about my support system. You know, the people Who are there to listen when i just feel like venting, the folks who give the words of encouragement. I thought back to my convos with them and how when talking about issues we mask the pain with humor. My friends and family can find humor in anything. The thing is I didn't feel like laughing, didn't feel like talking I just wanted to sit and think. Kind of absorb my emotions. usually i don't open up to people, it's just not how I was raised. in our house you suffer alone. You lean on your own shoulder, and really only reach out if you need a pick me up.

In this case I didn't need to feel better I just needed a hug. Where exactly do grown single men get hugs? not "sexual grab on some booty" hugs but "baby it's going to be ok" hugs? I thought about my female friends and figured it would be silly to go visit them just for that, plus they wouldn't really really understand how I felt. were cool, but were not THAT close. I love my sister and mom dearly but we are not huggy people, like I said even in a house with 2 women there were not many emotions shown.

Then I realized that I pretty much will have to get thru it alone. Not physically alone because I have plenty of people in my corner but emotionally alone. Nobody else is as invested in this as I am, I could explain it to people but I can't make them feel how I feel. So at times like that I just have to look to the sky pray for some peace and keep moving forward. Luckily it was a nice fall day and the sound of children laughing is always peaceful


Enigma Jones said...

I've definitely been here and in times like that I look to the one person I know has a hug for me no matter what, my son. If you tell you daughter "Daddy needs a hug", I guarantee you she'll give you the longest strongest hug of her life.

Over Thirty Mommy said...

Sorry you feel alone. You always have your blog friends that you can talk to. Hope thing get better soon.

Kingsmomma said...

I agree with Enigma

there are times when i feel so overwhelmed that I just want to crawl in a fetal position and cry or something but i say to my son...mommy hug and he gives me the biggest bear hug his little body can muster and that just really makes my day and reaffirms that the struggles are worth it

urbanfrugalchick said...

A support system is important..Sometimes i find support from people I have met on social networking sites, that I have never even seen face to face. I will keep you in my prayers friend!

Ms. Insatiable said...

Dave, there are so many days when the going gets tough and that I just don't think I can take anymore but I push through. A support system is necessary and essential to the soul. I know you feel at times that there may not be anyone in your corner, but trust me, you have some cyber friends who are rooting for you all the way, baby. You hang in there and keep looking to sky when you need to. He is always there when others aren't.

The Jaded NYer said...

I agree with the others- get a hug from your baby. I do it all the time and my kids give the BEST hugs.

I never thought about how hard it must be for a dude to get a hug- although if you were my bud you'd get a hug for sure... my maternal instincts would kick into overdrive. But for me- I just gotta call JACK or go up to MA and my girl Cathi will give me all the hugs I need.

Chin up; that little girl adores you so take comfort in her innocence and happiness right now.

JACK said...

Jaded - you rang?

Yes - hugs from my kids. Just wow. They're especially effective when I'm sour at the bitch with which I chose to procreate. My daughter's hugs remind me how much we love each other ... and that no matter what, she's always gonna love her mommy just that much. So fine - I'll spare the Bitch ... AGAIN.

As for the "that's just how I was raised" comment ... I have some tough love for you on that one. It's a cop out and you're better than that. That's the kind of thinking that spawns dead beat dads from dead beat dads, that allows you to beat your girl because your dad beat your mom ... and from whence all sorts of nonsense comes from.

Truth is - you know you need emotional support and you just want to wallow in the fact that it's not there now ... instead, change it.

*cyber hug*

We can start there.

(and look, I didn't even grab ass!)

inc23 said...

i can imagine how it would be hard for a guy to get a much needed hug. i really hope that things get a lot better very fast!

Samantha said...

I don't know your family, and I've just started following your blog, but, there is no time like the present to change the chemistry of your family, to learn to open up. Go to your mom's house, tell her things are hard and you just want a hug. Chances are she will learn to be the hugging type if it means supporting you. Just a thought! Sometimes you have to teach people how to be the support you need.

Caspar608 said...

Dear SDVB -

Hope you are well.
I just read your post and it made me teary eyed. I know exactly how you feel...sounds cliche and probably not what you want to hear...but I remember feeling all alone and watching my sons toddle and play all over the park and how I just wanted a hug and someone to tell me "hey...its going to be OK...I promise"

Its not easy when you dont have a support system. When family is too far away or simply unemotional or detached...its especially difficult. I remember feeling like I had metal in my mouth when I felt as bad as you do. I remember feeling like no one really cared.

Surely the greater D.C. area is loaded with folks who are feeling the same or similar. Try looking online for support groups for single dads or single parents. You'd be surprised at how many people out there just want a hug and pat on the back.

Youre doing a great job!

Creative1k said...

I agree with all the statements about asking your daughter for a hug. Children are bundles of so much unconditional love that it can definitely suffice the ailments. I'm sure that receiving a loving embrace from your child would take all the stresses and uneasy feelings away.

I'm sorry that you don't have any understanding friends that could provide that adult component that's equivalent to the hug your daughter would provide.

I will offer a huge **hug**, I've been in this situation before and it will get better in time. You're on the right course, just keep it moving forward!!!

Danielle said...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm in a very similar situation.

Wishing you all the best for the future.


buttahflychronicles said...

Damnit,Dave. Now I'm all teary eyed. You pretty much described to a tee a HUGE factor of my life.

When I came back from court a while ago to my dads house to get the kids. I found my cousin just sitting on the couch. She didn't say anything, but I can tell she'd just swung buy in case I needed to let some stuff out. That was cool, but I never thanked her. I said that to say that your Mom and Sis probly wouldn't turn you away if you needed to really talk about some stuff. Hugs included.

Fortunately I had good news to share with my family that day. On days like that they don't even make me come get my kids that fast. So I just roam Oakland looking for who knows what.

I'm coming to hug you. What time you get off work?