The other day I was kinda depressed. I was at the playground watching my baby run around and was thinking how she has no idea whats going on. She just wants to have fun. Meanwhile me and her mom are pretty much at war with each other.
this got me to thinking about my support system. You know, the people Who are there to listen when i just feel like venting, the folks who give the words of encouragement. I thought back to my convos with them and how when talking about issues we mask the pain with humor. My friends and family can find humor in anything. The thing is I didn't feel like laughing, didn't feel like talking I just wanted to sit and think. Kind of absorb my emotions. usually i don't open up to people, it's just not how I was raised. in our house you suffer alone. You lean on your own shoulder, and really only reach out if you need a pick me up.
In this case I didn't need to feel better I just needed a hug. Where exactly do grown single men get hugs? not "sexual grab on some booty" hugs but "baby it's going to be ok" hugs? I thought about my female friends and figured it would be silly to go visit them just for that, plus they wouldn't really really understand how I felt. were cool, but were not THAT close. I love my sister and mom dearly but we are not huggy people, like I said even in a house with 2 women there were not many emotions shown.
Then I realized that I pretty much will have to get thru it alone. Not physically alone because I have plenty of people in my corner but emotionally alone. Nobody else is as invested in this as I am, I could explain it to people but I can't make them feel how I feel. So at times like that I just have to look to the sky pray for some peace and keep moving forward. Luckily it was a nice fall day and the sound of children laughing is always peaceful