15 November 2009

Another Wedding

On saturday I went to my uncles wedding. This is a uncle I'm not that close to, I have not spoken to him in months and I was shocked to hear he was getting married. I've never seen or met his soon to be wife. I would have skipped the whole thing but I had to go so my mom would be happy. Also my sister mentioned that the church was paying for the whole wedding, I've never heard of this and I needed to see what a church paid wedding was like.

Before the wedding I have to figure out what the baby was going to wear to this thing, I looked for a dress for all of 20min but only found christmas dresses, I ended up getting a outfit from target and complained to anyone who would listen that shopping for weddings was womans work... lol. Then I forgot to get him a gift, so I had to swing past the grocery store and pickup a card. They were not registered anywhere and wanted "monetary" gifts *borrows someones side eye* now I understand when you get older you might not need as many gifts but damn how you just going to ask for cash? btw this was my uncle's 2nd wedding and his new wifes 3rd. I did mention how my family sucks at marriage right? anyway....

So Saturday morning I get dressed (I'm wearing slacks a button up and a sweater, I look good to be at a wedding, trust me this is important) As soon as me and the baby walked in the door I thought, "wow this place is small" it was a storefront church which I'm sure was nice on sundays but seemed small for a wedding. Anyway I get my seating assignment and walk in. I see my uncle and go to greet him, no sooner then he says "hi" he tells the pastor "he's the one who will be lighting the candle"

*record scratch*

excuse me? nobody told me I was going to be IN the wedding. I was looking forward to attending a wedding and not having to do anything but crack jokes. This fool signed me up to play with fire!! so now I'm lighting 1 of the unity candles. So now I'm under dressed. I don't even have a tie on! It's ok I'm a wedding pro, I can handle this. So after taking a couple pictures where the photographer thoug I was the baby's brother I take her to the restroom.

Once out of the restroom I see my mom and sister, only problem they are sitting at a table on the their side of the room from me??? I call a audible and go sit next to them, plus they were closer to the front and If I had to approach the alter I should be as close as possible right?

Now I'm starting to notice some things, first my uncle has a BROWN suit on, who gets married in a brown suit? and he has brown patent leather shoes on. I didn't even know they made those. His suit fits him horribly, my mom being a seamstress is upset by this. I think it' funny. Then I notice the women....

I forgot how many women were at church, most of the ones there were married or not my type but none the less I was considering joining a church. Shyt I can find a wife and let the church pay for it! you can't beat that... lmao.

So then the wedding starts, I'm sitting next to my mom and she is cracking hella jokes. I have to tap her and tell her to "be nice" it's safe to say she doesn't approve of this wedding. So the Pastor gets to talking and talking and talking, he says everything except the wedding vows I'm expecting. He's talking about roses and lilies and my uncle looks bored. His wife is crying and he looks like his feet hurt lol. This is the same uncle who yawned at his moms funeral so I'm not really surprised. Then I notice the bride's brother sleep in the front row... classy.

My unity candle moment comes and goes and the pastor almost forgets to tell them to kiss. This was going to upset the baby as all she wanted was for them to kiss and to get cake. She is going to be a hopeless romantic I can already tell. She was way too excited to be at a actual wedding.

So the wedding is over and the bride and groom leave, only thing is the reception is in the same place. Yep there is a buffet is in the back, they leave for 5 min and come right back in... lol Were waiting to eat and my uncle calls me up to the head table. Turns out that's where my seat was??? how did I end up there? everyone is rocking shades of brown and I'm in all gray lol. I'm sitting next to the best man and being served a plate of food I didn't ask for. I look over to my baby and she is PISSED!!! I have food and she doesn't. I wave for her to come up but it's too late. She throwing all kinds of eye darts at me. My niece and sister are laughing. My baby is the nicest person until she gets mad, then she gets evil lol. It's funny to see a child mad at you. She didn't understand that I would have rather been down there with her. instead I'm making small talk with a dude I've never seen in my life. I'm being served by random women (side note... I don't like being served, I'd much rather go get my own plate, I mean my legs work. Being served and cared for by women makes me uncomfortable)

So I'm sitting at the head table and I notice my place card....

*record scratch again*

All my grandparents are gone, I'm nobody's grandson, what has he been telling these folks? So then I decide I've spent enough time at the head table and I'm going back to my fam to have fun. I go back to MY seat and the baby says "you think your a king but your not!" I laugh and ask her what she is talking about. Turns out my niece made a joke about me being so special and getting served like a king, of course the baby ran with that. After some laughing and cake we were all good.

So another wedding down and I'm still looking forward to going to a wedding and not actually being IN a wedding.


phoenix said...

Your daughter wins the award for best comedy! Wait until she gets older --- the commentary about why she is mad gets better.

buttahflychronicles said...

First off, please find another wedding to take the baby to so she can see how it's suppose to be done. Dont let this experience be the only one she has for too long.

Second, your mom's a seamstres? Sweeeeeeet. Will you marry me so that my mother in law can be a seamstress and criticize me about my sewing and insist on teaching me things 'any real seamstress would know?'

Finally. Your poor uncle. Maybe the church just wanted to stop the rumors about them two. And to squash all the excuses just planned and paid for the shindig just to get it over with already.

Wait, you can't be my man. I make plates and "serve" in other ways as well. Oh well....

This post gets a C

Ms. Behaving said...

LMAO @ "You think you're a king but you're not!!!"

I guess baby girl told you!!!!

No pic of you lookin all dapper in your greys???? SHAME ON YOU!!!


Caspar608 said...

how uncomfortable!!!

reminds me of my former best friends wedding back in early 1992....

she had broken up with her borderlin retarded younger boyfriend for the umpteenth time and was all depressed about it. I spent New Years Eve 1991 with her at a house party...she got all kinds of drunk and did the nasty with some random dude in the bathroom...then we went back to her apartment two flights down where she threw up non stop and then asked me to boil a pot of water to steam away all the evil spirits in the room...

she was depressed for about two months, I was just relieved she wasnt with dude anymore because he was constantly beatin her ass. anyho, I get a call late one night from her and she said "guess, what, Louie is back and we're getting married!!!" She set the wedding for like two weeks from the day she broke the news to me...I was like huh? but I guess she thought if they got married he wouldnt leave her again. we had to buy dresses off the rack at the TACKIEST of stores on Fordham Road in the Bronx. I looked like something out of the show DYNASTY only my dress was too big. The night of the wedding, our limo had a car accident and one of the bridesmaids went flying face first into the divider and had a bloody nose and scraped knee. She had the wedding at this grand palace of a reception hall in the bronx...we entered the hall to the them from The Love Boat. It was so surreal. Meanwhile, Louie's girlfriend...yes...GIRLFRIEND...was outside the reception hall crying her eyeballs out of her head. The bride went outside and whooped her ass...she wanted me to whoop it with her but I was against the wedding to begin with...I caught the bouquet and had to have some freak of nature put the garter on my leg while his girlfriend huffed and puffed like a maniac fromt he sidelines.

Two weeks later, while the bride was out paying the AMerican Express bill, the groom hired a u-haul and cleaned out all of the gifts, money envelopes and checks from the apartment with HIS GIRLFRIEND. They spent two weeks in Hawaii and another week in Puerto Rico while my friend was placed in a mental hospital.

That was a really uncomfortable time for me. So I know exactly how you felt.

LOL. Every word is true.

LadyLee said...

Coming out of lurkdom to say "Now THAT was funny"!

Especially the baby's joke... lol.

Ieisha said...

I don't know who's story is funnier....yours or Caspar's....I'm dying over here.

The diva was killing me..."you think you're a king"......wait, aren't you though? Oh my bad, you're Super Dave.

Caspar.....I need to go find that blog cuz if your story prompted that memory, I need to read more!!!

Anonymous said...

Okay let me just say I haven't laughed that hard since the dessert at the bar story.!!!!

From who gets married in a brown suit to the shoes, to the baby mean mugging you!!! Just funny!!!

Thanks for starting my week off with a blast!!!!


Ms. Insatiable said...

blahahaha! I cant help but laugh and cry! Your daughter is hilarious. Leave her hopeless romantic self alone. LOL

I think everyone else has pretty much hit everything that was wrong with this wedding on the head. Boy the comedy. I love "our" weddings. And you're right about the poop brown suit and shoes.

EmberRose said...

For fucking real though?