10 July 2009

Deja Vu

So if you follow me on twitter you might know that me and my daughters mom are going back to court. Apparently the child support i give her is not enough anymore and she wants more. this go around I'ma consult a lawyer and get professional help. I was in my car thinking about the whole situation and had a feeling that I had not had in years. The feeling that me and her can't both be happy....

See when we were together I realized that I can't make her happy and be happy at the same time. It was always one or the other. In the end it was better for us to just part ways, I figured we are grown people we can both be happy living separate lives and raising our daughter. Here's the problem though... she's not happy. I think she doesn't like what her life has become. She's unable to unwilling to take care of herself. Most of her life she has relied on other people. In her mind I have a responsibility to take care of her. She regularly mentions how I "owe" her as if Her and our daughter are a package deal. I disagree so when ever she calls and asks for something that I decline she throws a fit. I get hate mail about how I'm this and that. It used to bother me, I really wanted us to get along. Id much rather be her friend. Now I see that's just not possible, she wants me to take care for her and my daughter. She wants me to be the man in her life and I can't do that.

Our arguments regularly involve stuff from 4-5 years ago, she can't let go of the past and move forward. Maybe she can't see her future, maybe the past is when she was happy. I don't know but when I refuse to discuss stuff in the past that we have already discussed it just fuels her hate.

So when the court papers came I was kinda surprised. Surprised that she would want to go back. Surprised that it was really just about money, not what our daughter needs. Surprised that she would rather take me back to court then get some real income. Then I got sad, I knew that this would be war. I couldn't be the nice guy anymore, she doesn't respond to that. She wants me to be an asshole, she wants to argue. I tried to work it out with her but just like when we were together I can't be happy and make her happy.

06 July 2009

Today...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I've always loved that quote. It's rebirth defined. No matter what you did in the past you can start changing it today. Every new day is a new beginning. I say that to say today I'm going to refocus myself, my career, my life. I want so much more, I feel like I've wasted soo much talent. But today I stop, today I take advantage of all the blessings I've been provided. I'll learn and grow from my mistakes and become a better man, father and friend.

I woke up this morning inspired. I need to make some changes, I'll be 30 in 5 months. I really feel old, I need to get some stuff in order. I applied for a passport this weekend, yes i've never been out the country go ahead and make your jokes.. lol. then I spent the rest of the weekend cleaning my house and running errands. I added making a will to my ToDo list. With all these folks dying I need to make sure my stuff is together.

I didn't do anything big for the 4th I just thru some food on the grill... it was GOOD food though.. lol (sorry no pics)

the growth continues...