So what have I been up too? Honestly I'm kinda depressed. I've been doing whatever I can to stay distracted. Whatever it takes to not actually think about LMS no being around. I've drank more liquor this last month then I did all of last year. I've been soo close to just breaking down crying more times then I can count. Let me tell you it sucks to want to cry and can't. The tears just wont come, I just shake my head and move on. Tears don't solve anything, blame my military childhood. So my life is a weird mix of laughs and sadness. Sometimes within a couple minutes. I actually entertained a couple thoughts of packing up and just moving to a new city. Saying fuck it, changing my name to Carlito and learning Spanish lol
So besides drinking and sitting in my man cave watching seasons of the wire I've been surrounding myself with people to help distract me. See when I'm around people I tend to think about my "real" life less. I get a chance to laugh and crack jokes. I feel like my old self, even if it's only for a little while. That said even my distractions find a way to cause stress.
So I've been hanging with my ex. The ex from this spring/summer, I refuse to give women nicknames anymore so your just going to have to keep up. So we been talking about us and life... See she LOVES me, like really really loves me. I'm not really sure how to handle it, she wants us to be back together but honestly my head isn't there. I know I can't focus on a relationship right now, Even if it's with someone who I was already in a relationship with, Even if it's with someone I love. She's a great person and is really good both too and for me. I just can't right now, I explained this too her but I don't think she really really understands. She's pushing for what her heart desires and I can't blame her for that, problem is all my heart wants is my little girl.
Then there is my recent ex, the one week one. She's fun to be around and good friend. A nice distraction from my "real" life. Problem is I feel incredibly guilty about what happened. Like I used her to help deal with my jacked up situation. Even though she says she understands and it's fine, I still feel bad. She's a nice person and didn't deserve it. I should have just left well enough alone. I'm usually hard on myself when it comes to women. I know way too many women who have been done wrong by dudes not to be. This whole situation just made me feel like another random ass shiftless negro, I wanna make it right but really there is nothing to make right, whats done is done.
So yeah I'm going to cut back on the liquor and try to focus on productive things... I've gain like 5 pounds since the snow storm hit. Between the snow and court I have not been to work in over a week, I miss the corner lol. I need to get back on my grind. On a bright note even though I gained some weight I still can't fit my old sweat pants lol....