15 February 2010

Idle Time pt 2

So it's been a month since I've seen LMS. Baby Moms still ignoring my calls and honestly everything I can do isn't what I want to do. My lawyer is on it though. Last few weeks have been rough. Way more then I really want to discuss.

So what have I been up too? Honestly I'm kinda depressed. I've been doing whatever I can to stay distracted. Whatever it takes to not actually think about LMS no being around. I've drank more liquor this last month then I did all of last year. I've been soo close to just breaking down crying more times then I can count. Let me tell you it sucks to want to cry and can't. The tears just wont come, I just shake my head and move on. Tears don't solve anything, blame my military childhood. So my life is a weird mix of laughs and sadness. Sometimes within a couple minutes. I actually entertained a couple thoughts of packing up and just moving to a new city. Saying fuck it, changing my name to Carlito and learning Spanish lol

So besides drinking and sitting in my man cave watching seasons of the wire I've been surrounding myself with people to help distract me. See when I'm around people I tend to think about my "real" life less. I get a chance to laugh and crack jokes. I feel like my old self, even if it's only for a little while. That said even my distractions find a way to cause stress.

So I've been hanging with my ex. The ex from this spring/summer, I refuse to give women nicknames anymore so your just going to have to keep up. So we been talking about us and life... See she LOVES me, like really really loves me. I'm not really sure how to handle it, she wants us to be back together but honestly my head isn't there. I know I can't focus on a relationship right now, Even if it's with someone who I was already in a relationship with, Even if it's with someone I love. She's a great person and is really good both too and for me. I just can't right now, I explained this too her but I don't think she really really understands. She's pushing for what her heart desires and I can't blame her for that, problem is all my heart wants is my little girl.

Then there is my recent ex, the one week one. She's fun to be around and good friend. A nice distraction from my "real" life. Problem is I feel incredibly guilty about what happened. Like I used her to help deal with my jacked up situation. Even though she says she understands and it's fine, I still feel bad. She's a nice person and didn't deserve it. I should have just left well enough alone. I'm usually hard on myself when it comes to women. I know way too many women who have been done wrong by dudes not to be. This whole situation just made me feel like another random ass shiftless negro, I wanna make it right but really there is nothing to make right, whats done is done.

So yeah I'm going to cut back on the liquor and try to focus on productive things... I've gain like 5 pounds since the snow storm hit. Between the snow and court I have not been to work in over a week, I miss the corner lol. I need to get back on my grind. On a bright note even though I gained some weight I still can't fit my old sweat pants lol....






18 comments:

kuri said...

nice to see another daddy blogger like me!

cheers!

Monique said...

*hugs* to you Dave. Hang in there.

You know how we women can get when it comes to love; we'll dig our heels in until we get it. Maybe the ex will eventually understand and maybe be there when everything levels out again.

I hate that you haven't seen your daugther. I really do.

Stefanie said...

Best wishes with your situation regarding your daughter. I don't have children but if I did, I would definitely WANT my child to have a father who is active and involved in his or her life. Regarding your ex's, I think since you're dealing with so much, you should cut both of them back at this time. Being a woman, I know that spending time with someone can make it more difficult to avoid deeper feelings. You have an ex who is already in love with you and you're spending time with her so of course she is going to want more but you're not at that point right now. Most of us want and crave some type of companionship but given the current situation, I think it's best that you just focus on your daughter right now and everyone else will just have to understand. That way you don't have the added mental distraction and also you won't be giving anyone the opportunity to catch feelings or catch deeper feelings as a result of spending time together. Platonic friends only is where it's at for now, IMO.

atruhollywood said...

I think we need to coordinate a blogger meet up just to whoop some Baby Mama ass! Keep your head up Dave and continue to look for the positive in all experiences!

Caspar608 said...

Dave, mannnnn.

It really sucks that you haven't seen LMS. Really, really sucks.

I think you need to stop watching The Wire though. In my opinion, as much as I enjoyed watching, that show was DEEEE-PRESSS-ING. Action packed, yes. Great plot, yes. But the future of most of the characters in the show was not so great. Like, everyone was either going to end up dead or in prison. Not very funny.

Might I suggest you watch 30 Rock instead? I sure do love me some Alec Baldwin. He is so damn funny. You need to lighten up a bit, take your mind off of what you cannot control right now. Talk to the little one with your heart...send her your love. Trust me, she'll feel it. I dont want to get into Babies Mama...

As far as your lady friends are concerned...its really nice you are so loved. You could be all alone, but people want to spend time with you. How blessed you are to be going through this whole ordeal with support. Go to the gym and blow off some steam. Run. Hit something, preferably a punching bag : )

Its going to be ok in the end.

Peace,
Cas

buttahflychronicles said...

Wow, this is some great insight into the male mind. I'm always wondering.

I bet makeup sex would take the edge off things. That is, as long as everyone knows what's what.

buttahflychronicles said...

Wow, this is some great insight into the male mind. I'm always wondering.

I bet makeup sex would take the edge off things. That is, as long as everyone knows what's what.

Ieisha said...

You had me really worried about you as I read this. An un-Dave post, lol.

But I like that you can show your vulnerable side.

Then you post the pic of the sweat pants and I laugh. Just like Dave. Way to end things on a high note.

I know that when this is all over, you'll get justice served.

You'd better not ever give any identifying information about her cuz sh!t could get ugly if I'm able to locate her. Trust, no harm would be done to LMS but believe me when I say that I can do some damage without ever doing anything illegal.

"I've been known to come across things from time to time."--Red from Shawshank Redemption.

sunnydelyte21 said...

I'm a firm believer in never going backwards when it comes to relationships.

I feel where ur coming from when u say you've been feeling depressed cuz I have too..for different reason. Trust drinking never helps...I wish it did.

Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself..no one is prefect.

Young woman on a journey said...

dead wrong for those pants with the clearance sign in the background.

mmmmhmmm....


I hope you get to see LMS soon. I am sure she is missing you like crazy too.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear that you haven't seen your daughter. I do think you could have been more diplomatic about the car situation. LMS's mother is punishing you because I know it's hard on her and your daughter to manuever without a car. I would have transferred the car title to the ex's name and that would have forced her to get insurance.

Otis said...

Man, i read that and just got thoroughly pissed.

I commend you for taking the high road and handling things the right way. I know you miss your lil girl, and hope you get things taken care of soon.

Cyn said...

My heart breaks for you. It won't always be like this though.
Depression is a pain, believe me I know.

Kingsmomma said...

LMAO @ those sweat pants Dave. They remind me over an older family memeber who insisted we call him big pants....


anyway keep your head up and know that ive got a bus pass and a shank......

Caspar608 said...

@ANONYMOUS 2/17...

If honey needs to maneuver, she needs to get her OWN. She's already getting child support from TWO babies daddies and doesn't have a J-O-B. If she wants a car, she needs to buy her own. Get a job. Two kids isn't a whole lot to handle. And Dave has been mandated to pay up or go to jail. She forced him to be responsible parent (and that wasn't even necessary).

Dave asked her several times to work with him to transfer the car to her name and get insurance on HER OWN. When she refused, he took back his vehicle. When she got the cops involved, she proved herself to be a douche. The man has been letting you use his car, and you have him arrested because YOU didn't want to take responsibility for a vehicle?

Matter of fact...she isn't a douche, she is an asshole and so very FULL OF SHIT.

He was diplomatic. She was an asshole. PERIOD.

Head up Dave.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

@Caspar - thanks for saying something, I was just going to ignore the comment... lol I need to clear up 1 thing though. I was never arrested, just got charges pressed against me.

Anonymous said...

Dave,
All I meant by my comment is that sometimes you might have to make decisions you don't like. The ex already had the car, so you should have given her the title. If just for the sake LMS and keeping the peace. As much as you may not want to, you will have to go through the ex to get to your daughter. In a case like this, save your sanity and the money spent on legal counsel.
Peace

Jurista said...

Dear Anonymous,

Trying to reason with a fool is futile period. With that said, he was completely right in retrieving his vehicle. As long as that title was in his name, he was the LEGAL owner of the vehicle. And please note, BM had the car for more than a reasonable amount of time to get the documents transferred. Since SHE didn't do that, she ran the risk of her being taken by its RIGHTFUL OWNER. Sometimes the law doesn't coincide with feelings but in this case, it was on his side.

And keeping the peace for LMS's sake means that he would be back in a relationship with her. That's retarded no matter how you look at it. Keeping the peace means showing LMS what's RIGHT and standing up for your RIGHTS.

Stand for something or fall for anything. Watch your step!