I've been thinking alot about what happened. Like how did I get here. At some point in the last 5 years I changed. When before I would fight and work harder then everyone to get the life I wanted. Lately I realized I lost my desire to fight for it.
When I was like 17 I remember going to places like cheesecake factory and thinking "people eat in places like this all the time" see I didn't, I had never been to a restaurant that nice before. My mom just couldn't afford it. It wasn't until I started making my own money that I was exposed to how the other side live. It was a side of life that loved. It's not even that they were rich they were just middle class and I wanted it. I worked hard to get a middle class life that I was proud of and I just got lazy. Maybe you wanna call it comfortable, I lost that drive that got me to the middle, not even to the top lol. Worse part of all this is I feel like i'm not providing like I used to, Like I fell off. Men need to provide, it's our job. I feel like a sucky ass provider right now. That might be whats bothering me the most. The idea that I failed to really provide everything my daughter and family needed.
When someone I love needs something I feel obligated to provide it. I'm the man of the house, if something is needed I need to get it. As of late i just feel like I've been unable to do that. My mind has been all over the place and my finances are in the shyt hole. I should have BEEN handled all this mess years ago but I was just too lazy. I lost my fight. I just wanna apologize to people for letting them down, for it taking me this long to get back to the man I once was. I know I didn't really really let them down but Its just how I feel.
I usually handle problems head on. In this custody case I just waited and waited, kept digging my own hole instead of attacking the issue and doing what needed to be done. Anyway I'm glad it clicked for me and I found my drive, I love my middle class life but now I realize I still have to work like hell to keep and improve on it. As usual nobody said it would be easy just that it would be worth it.