10 June 2010

Provider

I've been thinking alot about what happened. Like how did I get here. At some point in the last 5 years I changed. When before I would fight and work harder then everyone to get the life I wanted. Lately I realized I lost my desire to fight for it.

When I was like 17 I remember going to places like cheesecake factory and thinking "people eat in places like this all the time" see I didn't, I had never been to a restaurant that nice before. My mom just couldn't afford it. It wasn't until I started making my own money that I was exposed to how the other side live. It was a side of life that loved. It's not even that they were rich they were just middle class and I wanted it. I worked hard to get a middle class life that I was proud of and I just got lazy. Maybe you wanna call it comfortable, I lost that drive that got me to the middle, not even to the top lol. Worse part of all this is I feel like i'm not providing like I used to, Like I fell off. Men need to provide, it's our job. I feel like a sucky ass provider right now. That might be whats bothering me the most. The idea that I failed to really provide everything my daughter and family needed.

When someone I love needs something I feel obligated to provide it. I'm the man of the house, if something is needed I need to get it. As of late i just feel like I've been unable to do that. My mind has been all over the place and my finances are in the shyt hole. I should have BEEN handled all this mess years ago but I was just too lazy. I lost my fight. I just wanna apologize to people for letting them down, for it taking me this long to get back to the man I once was. I know I didn't really really let them down but Its just how I feel.

I usually handle problems head on. In this custody case I just waited and waited, kept digging my own hole instead of attacking the issue and doing what needed to be done. Anyway I'm glad it clicked for me and I found my drive, I love my middle class life but now I realize I still have to work like hell to keep and improve on it. As usual nobody said it would be easy just that it would be worth it.

10 comments:

Redbonegirl97 said...

Glad you came to that realization before it was too late. So many wait till it can't be fixed.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

Anonymous said...

Wow Dave what a post!!! You are really a stand up guy. It's good to see a young brother with so much drive and determination. You are still young and able to continue to progress. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone falls into a slump from time to time but its the desire to come out of it that makes the difference.

Towanna

Kingsmomma said...

self reflection always yields the best wisdom.

chele said...

No, it's not easy but at least you recognize and acknowledge what you need to do.

RealHustla said...

I think we just get so wrapped up in maintaining the lives that we have that the improving part sits on the back burner.

But I know what you mean. As a woman, I've always felt that as long as my kids are clothed, fed, healthy, and have warm beds every night that I'm doing all that's required. And honestly, there's no way I can be burdened with another's problems. Men however (the provider types), need to be problem solvers.

My cousin came over and wouldnt leave until I gave him a screw driver. I mean he stared me down and I could tell that my loose door handle would haunt him for weeks so I gave it to him. Every time My dad used to visit me but he always had his tool box. He couldn't rest knowing there was something that needed fixing in my house. He's a retired dude now and he doesn't visit me with tools anymore, but always take my alcoholic breverages when he leaves :) I guess he finally feels like he's provided for others enough. Now he has to focus on his aging mom.

janeblaz71 said...

Dave

You're alright man.
Can you take any certification courses anywhere? Perhaps go back to school at night? Get a first or second degree? Maybe pursue a masters if you haven't done so already?

I have an assignment for you:

Read:
The Alchemist

Read:
The Four Agreements

I am very proud of you sir: ) Everything is going to be ok. I promise. Get to grittins. Go to war...just do not go gently into surrender.

You know how to find me if you need a pep talk.

Best,
Cas

Alovelydai said...

Remember...you could me homeless! See it works for anything..."I hate this chicken" U could me homeless..."You spilled the juice" U could be homeless...unless of course u were homeless & that was your weekly juice. Oh this is soooo bad. Just delete this entire comment. :)

Highly favored said...

We all fall off sometimes but recognizing and pulling things back to their rightfull place is when u shine.

dopelikelouboutins said...

I always enjoy your posts because they seem honest and real. The phrase better late than never sums your predicament up basically. Although hindsight is 20/20 imagine how much worse your situation could be had you continued on letting the things you're trying to fix now, fester. Don't beat yourself up too much about it cause IMO you're definitely one of the good guys =]

sunnydelyte21 said...

I also tend to have these self reflection moments..

Glad you realize it...a lot of people don't.

Great post!!

**Did the prayer work the other day?? Lol