09 October 2010

Being The Bad Guy

First let me apologize... I had like a million lurkers come out and congratulate me on getting custody of LMS and I didn't even acknowledge it... Thank you for your kind words and support! I'm still amazed that so many people read my little slice of the internet.

I find myself feeling like the bad guy. See it's like I'm the last one to really realize that LMS's mom is crazy. I don't mean regular "unstable creature" woman crazy, I mean "the lady who did our psych exams even said she had issues" crazy. I continue to give her the benefit of the doubt even though she continues to show that she is unreasonable and unstable. Case in point....

I have sole custody of LMS, and her mom has supervised visitation. Only that visitation is not scheduled so really she has NO visitation until one of us schedules it. She also has no real rights to how and were LMS is schooled. When I registered LMS for school I gave the school a copy of our custody order and I told them to let me know if her mom ever showed up. One day LMS's mom called and LMS was crying how she missed her. So my BM told her she would come up and visit her at school. When the school called and informed me she was there I told them that it was ok if she visits with her but she could not take LMS anywhere. My thoughts were that if her mom sees her there that is a controlled environment and everyone is happy. This was my mistake because what I didn't consider was my BM is crazy and would show up at her school EVERYDAY!

So on wedensday LMS's teacher says that we should limit visits to 1-2 days a week so she could have a good idea of how LMS was doing in class. After all its hard to grade a kid who has thier mother sitting next to them as they do school work. So I agree, let my BM know that she can't show up everyday via email. She replies with a email about how I'm bitter that SHE doesn't want to be with ME??? I mean I really, really wish I could just post some of our emails because they are so crazy it's just silly.

So on thurday my BM shows up again at LMS's school... Both the principal can teacher call me and say that it's getting out of hand. So I tell them I'll just stop it all together.

I take Friday off and go down to my local police station. I show them my court order and ask what would happen if I banned BM from LMS school... They say it shouldn't be a problem. So I call the school and tell them if she shows again call the police.

Now, at this point I'm thinking about LMS and her schooling. She's not going to learn if her mom shows up in class everyday. I mean who does that? people who have absoloutly nothing else to do thats who! even stay at home moms don't go sit in thier childs class 4 days a week.

So Friday afternoon I get the call... BM came up to the school, told the staff that she had rights and stormed off into LMS's class. They called me then the police. Since I was off and I live around the corner I came up to the school and waited with the principal in her office for the police. The principal calls thier lawyers just to double check that what I'm saying is true and my BM has no right to be up at the school. They agree and once the police show up the school staff lets LMS come into the office, the police suggest I leave before a scene is caused and I heed their suggestion. As me and LMS are walking out my BM follows us.. I ignore her keep walking and leave it to the police and the school.

LMS didn't really react to any of it, she was excited to see police officers and was worried that I wasn't going to let her go play at after care.

The reality is that I'm stuck trying to figure out whats the best situation for LMS to visit with her mom. I've called the county visitation centers but I couldn't get in touch with a person who I could actually schedule the visitation through. I've also looked into therapy for LMS. I'm sure she has plenty of emotions about all of this and she needs to learn how to deal with them. Her mom could possibly visit her during therapy that way they both can get some help.

My other option is to just cut her mom out of her life, Not that I want too but I don't think her mom brings any positives to her. She is self absorbed and needs professional help. LMS seems to have issues whenever she is around. That said she still is her mom and I'd hate for LMS to grow up not having a relationship with her. I just don't want her to be exposed to crazy anymore then she has too.

So while I figure it all out her mom is call and sending rants via email. She called while LMS was hanging with my mom, I didn't answer. When I picked LMS up I asked her if she wanted to call her mom back.. she said NO. So I didn't push it and we went about our business. When she does talk to her mom, LMS makes up reasons to get off the phone. She tells her mom that I have to use the phone or she is about to eat dinner. I mean she just doesn't seem interested in really talking to her mom anymore.

So while we settle into a schedule we also need a schedule on how I'm going to deal with my BM. She's stuck on that I'm bitter and playing games because she doesn't want to be with me and I have no desire to try and explain that I want nothing to do with her and I'm trying to create a better life for LMS.


EmberRose said...

1. Don't pay for therapy for her. She needs to be responsible for her own mental health.

2. If her momma wants to see her then she can contact you. Parenting is work it's high time she started doing some.

3. Take your cues from LMS. If she doesn't want to see her momma or talk to her don't make her. She needs to remain respectful though.

Dave she abandoned LMS on your doorstep. You don't owe her shit and LMS is smarter than you realize if she's not interested in her. Kids are smart.

Thoughtsofsoutherngal said...

I need her to start contacting the visitation centers or you instead of showing up at the school everyday. You shouldn't have to do it. She lost custody of her child.

Where is her family?

Monique said...

1. LMS in therapy is a good thing. I say go for it and then maybe do some sessions with the two of you.

2. I agree with everyone on doing some scheduled visit through a center. Perhaps limit it to the weekends so that she doesn't mess up the weekday schedule.

3. You are not the bad guy. AT least you want LMS to have a relationship with her mother. You can't help that her mom is on some other stuff. Just keep trying.

4. If she doesn't want to talk, don't push it. LMS is in charge now. Make sure she knows that.

Lurker Finally Commenting said...

I am so proud of the job you have done to secure a healthy and happy life for LMS.

However, I disagree with the idea of putting LMS in charge. Yes, it is important to understand LMS' feelings and expressed wishes, but she in no way should be responsible for the decisions that you must make as her parent and guardian. I love how you are intuitively striking the necessary balance between responding to your daughter's reactions and adhering to a plan centered on her well-being and your values/morals.

Being a parent is difficult. HA! being immersed in anything and having to making decisions about it at the same time can be overwhelming if not impossible since hindsight is 20/20. I like the idea of writing mission statements and family plans to keep us on track. Like a successful organization, we have to plan our families.

I wish you nothing but continued blessings and love,

Lurker Commenting Finally

Alovelydai said...

"Being The Bad Guy" How is that? You're being a devoted dad who wants nothing but what's best for his daughter.

Jewelry Rockstar said...

Schedule the visits period. Whether she has mental issues or not, you need to show balance and allow the child to be with her mother. For the child's sake you both need to stop the drama and courts and cops and crap and behave as parents.

Your child is ambivalent towards her mother because she doesn't want to upset you. Don't put her in this awkward situation.

Congrats on Custody, BTW. Remember the anguish you felt for the past year.


SincerelyGo said...

Wow, Congratulations on getting custody of your baby. Wow, I have no answer for crazy. I don't have a relationship with my birth mother and I turned out just fine. I did have a great mother to take her place though so I don't know if that's different. But the woman that birth me is an alcoholic and didn't raise any of her other children. I guess that's a tidbit nobody in the blog world knew about me. But, in this this case I found it may be comforting to know. I didn't miss her, I didn't need her and now that I'm older I don't regret not having a relationship with her. I also had an awesome dad. I'm not bitter, I just don't want to be botherd like LMS, I guess.


Caspar608 said...

forgive me for the following if I offend thee...

Fuck that crazy bitch. Let her find her onw way back to sanity and the real world where real women take care of their children and work for a living instead of living off a good guy they aren't married to.

She needs to be kicked in the ass not one, not two, but three fucking times for putting rags on your daughter and making her wear her brothers sneakers. She is a trifling douche and should be behind bars. Neglectful ass bitch that she is...I have no sympathy for anyone but LMS and her older brother who will surely get punked by every woman he meets or evolves into the most horrendous mysoginist that ever roamed the earth because his mother was an opportunistic, bi-polar douche.

Man, FUCK HER!!! Not literally. She can kiss your ass now.

Jesus would agree.

Rhapsody B. said...

Sounds like you are on the right track in terms of therapy for LMS. Unfortunately until you can get the supervised visits scheduled you may have to cut contact as this based on what you've said is taking its told on LMS. LMS needs comes first above all else.

Take care and keep your head up.
Peace & stay blessed.

12kyle said...

It sounds like you're trying to make a sound, rational decision. The problem is...you can't rationalize with crazy people.

I think you have to cut her off and HOPE she regains some sense of sanity. LMS will be fine. At this age, she knows her momma is crazy and she don't care. I ain't mad at her.

This is the time that y'all need to bond. You really shouldn't have to worry bout what psycho's next move is.

Anonymous said...

Heyyyy Dave,

Stopping by to hello! Congrats on getting your baby back! I'm so happy for you!

I agree with 12K and Casper608, let this chick go! Stop caring about how she feel and what she thinks! She brings 2 much negativity! That crap will bring u down! I think u should pray and ask God for guidance, and leave that trash in the street! Your never gonna have peace if u keep entertaining that woman!
Anyway I wish you and the sweetie the best!

Shanga aka thedreamyone

Homewithhilda said...

Re the school uniform piece.

You can purchase very affordable school uniforms online at frenchtoast.com, even in colors not carried at your local stores. Our daughter has to wear khaki, green, and black. Our stores only carry khaki and navy. We order the rest from frenchtoast.

Sha Boogie said...

Wow... what I did I miss?! Full custody, crazy BM at the school, geesh! Good for you Dave. Hold your ground and keep it stable for LMS.