27 January 2010

The Growth - Idle Time

By know you should know that the growth is as much about reflecting as anything. In the past couple months I've had more free time on my hands then I have had in years. This has been both a good and bad thing...

You see when LMS was first born I was working 2 jobs and I didn't really see her much. It wasn't till she was a couple months old that I quit the PT job and really spent quality time with her. Even with that I can't think of a time I didn't see her for a week straight. I picked her up every afternoon to hang out. These past couple months I have seen her less then any time in her life. This made me realize I need her just as much as she needs me. I can't focus when she is not around. There is a void in my life when I'm not with her. A void that simply can't be filled.

In the back of my head I knew this might happen, I just hoped it wouldn't. I knew my BM would want to lash out at me, try and hurt me. See while we have joint legal custody we don't have a set visitation schedule. So legally I don't have a set time to see the baby. This was my mistake, but at the time I didn't have any problems seeing LMS. It was all about child support. So I knew if we ever started beefing she would use visitation against me. Honestly I just felt like 2 grown adults should be able to work out visitation without a court. Oh how silly I was.

So with the BM still ignoring my calls and texts, I have not seen the baby since Jan 15th. 12 days... doesn't seem like a long time but trust me its a VERY long time in my world. Couple that will a call yesterday that I might not be able to see her for 60 days (I might explain that one later, lets just say my BM is on some other world shyt) I feel like I'm going to see my daughter and not recognize her. Not only that but when she's not around I don't think straight. I just do silly things, things that make me double guess myself. It's like I just try different things to fill that void. Even when I know they won't, I lose my direction and focus. Basically all other parts of my life suffer. She's the glue that keeps me together. Its a sad time for me and I have no answers, no solutions. I can't think of any positive ideas on how to fix it, all I want to do is crawl in a hole and wait for it to be over. I can't do that though, gotta keep pushing moving forward.

Long story short I miss my baby and it might be a while before I see her again.