You see when LMS was first born I was working 2 jobs and I didn't really see her much. It wasn't till she was a couple months old that I quit the PT job and really spent quality time with her. Even with that I can't think of a time I didn't see her for a week straight. I picked her up every afternoon to hang out. These past couple months I have seen her less then any time in her life. This made me realize I need her just as much as she needs me. I can't focus when she is not around. There is a void in my life when I'm not with her. A void that simply can't be filled.
In the back of my head I knew this might happen, I just hoped it wouldn't. I knew my BM would want to lash out at me, try and hurt me. See while we have joint legal custody we don't have a set visitation schedule. So legally I don't have a set time to see the baby. This was my mistake, but at the time I didn't have any problems seeing LMS. It was all about child support. So I knew if we ever started beefing she would use visitation against me. Honestly I just felt like 2 grown adults should be able to work out visitation without a court. Oh how silly I was.
So with the BM still ignoring my calls and texts, I have not seen the baby since Jan 15th. 12 days... doesn't seem like a long time but trust me its a VERY long time in my world. Couple that will a call yesterday that I might not be able to see her for 60 days (I might explain that one later, lets just say my BM is on some other world shyt) I feel like I'm going to see my daughter and not recognize her. Not only that but when she's not around I don't think straight. I just do silly things, things that make me double guess myself. It's like I just try different things to fill that void. Even when I know they won't, I lose my direction and focus. Basically all other parts of my life suffer. She's the glue that keeps me together. Its a sad time for me and I have no answers, no solutions. I can't think of any positive ideas on how to fix it, all I want to do is crawl in a hole and wait for it to be over. I can't do that though, gotta keep pushing moving forward.
Long story short I miss my baby and it might be a while before I see her again.