I've been thinking alot about what happened. Like how did I get here. At some point in the last 5 years I changed. When before I would fight and work harder then everyone to get the life I wanted. Lately I realized I lost my desire to fight for it.
When I was like 17 I remember going to places like cheesecake factory and thinking "people eat in places like this all the time" see I didn't, I had never been to a restaurant that nice before. My mom just couldn't afford it. It wasn't until I started making my own money that I was exposed to how the other side live. It was a side of life that loved. It's not even that they were rich they were just middle class and I wanted it. I worked hard to get a middle class life that I was proud of and I just got lazy. Maybe you wanna call it comfortable, I lost that drive that got me to the middle, not even to the top lol. Worse part of all this is I feel like i'm not providing like I used to, Like I fell off. Men need to provide, it's our job. I feel like a sucky ass provider right now. That might be whats bothering me the most. The idea that I failed to really provide everything my daughter and family needed.
When someone I love needs something I feel obligated to provide it. I'm the man of the house, if something is needed I need to get it. As of late i just feel like I've been unable to do that. My mind has been all over the place and my finances are in the shyt hole. I should have BEEN handled all this mess years ago but I was just too lazy. I lost my fight. I just wanna apologize to people for letting them down, for it taking me this long to get back to the man I once was. I know I didn't really really let them down but Its just how I feel.
I usually handle problems head on. In this custody case I just waited and waited, kept digging my own hole instead of attacking the issue and doing what needed to be done. Anyway I'm glad it clicked for me and I found my drive, I love my middle class life but now I realize I still have to work like hell to keep and improve on it. As usual nobody said it would be easy just that it would be worth it.
07 June 2010
I know a couple people either complaining about not getting any action or just giving it up to anyone. I even know some women who choose to be celibate and receive flack for it. Like they are letting a prized wine go to waste. Truth is I've been on both sides of that coin. I went to a phase where I slept with some women I'll never claim and I went thru a phase where I didn't sleep with anyone at all. Yup I was celibate.
After LMS was born and I broke up with my BM I was celibate for like 2-3 years. I didn't even count the months/days. It didn't even bother me, I didn't miss sex, I wasn't complaining about not being able to get any booty. I still went out on dates I just didn't have any desire to have sex. Its not that they weren't attractive I was just focused on being a dad. Going on dates was just a hobby, not something I was serious about. Plus I was a little shook from getting a girl preggers. I never wanted 1 baby momma much less 2! Some dudes are controlled by the power U, the idea of not having a girl on deck drives them crazy. Hell even some women are consumed by the D and having a "maintenance" man. While it may seem like I'm always dating someone trust me it's not because I have to. The time I spent celibate was productive and I learned alot about me and about women. When your not trying to get in someone's pants you can actually learn alot about them. It forces you to have a real conversation. Trust me when I say if you take a moment to listen, people will tell you everything you need to know about them. Plus when your not focused on sex you put that energy into other things. Just don't trade sex for drugs for liquor.
Short story short, anybody who says you need to be getting some is lying to you. Any dude who's acting like you not giving him some is the end of the world is a lame-O and your better off without him. nobody should be using the lack of sex in their life as a excuse for anything. Being celibate is perfectly fine and now a days it might just save your life.