I have this file full of quotes that I like. I browse it for gchat statues or when I need some inspiration. I was looking thru it and came across a couple:
"One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." -- Andre Gide
This actually describes how I've been feeling. I left my comfort zone in search of a better less stressful, more functional life. Me deciding to try and get custody of LMS was like looking out into the ocean and imagining some new land somewhere. A land where I was free to make better choices for both me and my daughter. I had no idea if it was possible but I knew I couldn't stay on the shore of that land anymore.
The shoreline of that world is long gone, I couldn't go back even if I wanted too. At times I miss it, it was familiar even if it was ripe with dysfunction. It wasn't till I realized that I wanted to be married that I really knew how dysfunctional it was. When it's just you living your life you kind of make excuses for how things are. When you think about bringing someone else into your world you have to do a line by line audit of your life. You have to really see if you can combine your life with someone elses. I knew I needed to do better, my life then wasn't conducive to growth and expansion. I need to make some changes in order to move my life to a different level.
"I’m leaving all those grudges behind me, Throwing fear out the window, So when these blessings come to find me, They will have room to breathe and grow" - Lyfe Jennings
This has been a long year. I've had plenty of time to second guess just about everything about my life. I have a mental list of countless things I did both right and wrong. I found new faults in myself that I might have never realized. So as I continue to go thru this custody battle I know it's something that I needed to do for my growth as a person. I'll be a better person after this is over. I needed to get knocked down so I could better appreciate getting up. i took for granted so much stuff in my life. I forgot what feeling helpless felt like, I needed this reminder. I've grown alot the last 12 months and I Luckily I've been blessed to have awesome, supportive, patient people around me. Without them I'd probably would have snapped by now.
#sidebar: I should update ya'll on some things. My court ordered visitation was only until july 9th. So currently I have none. when I asked the judge to extend it on the 9th his exact words were "ya'll need to work it out" did I mention he was in a horrible no good mood that day? My BM refuses to let LMS go anywhere with me. She wants "supervised visitation" even though 2 judges have told her that there is no reason for it. She's grasping to have control of something. So I've only seen LMS twice in the last month. I didn't even get to throw her a proper b-day party #endsidebar
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." -Mahatma Gandhi
Oddly this is exactly how I think this will all play out. Last year when I first filed my BM ignored the court papers. For months she didn't read them, thought they were just for visitation and not custody. Then when she realized what I wanted she laughed, called me names. Then she fought back, lied on me, Tried to ruin my name. Now all I need is to win.