09 October 2010

Being The Bad Guy

First let me apologize... I had like a million lurkers come out and congratulate me on getting custody of LMS and I didn't even acknowledge it... Thank you for your kind words and support! I'm still amazed that so many people read my little slice of the internet.

I find myself feeling like the bad guy. See it's like I'm the last one to really realize that LMS's mom is crazy. I don't mean regular "unstable creature" woman crazy, I mean "the lady who did our psych exams even said she had issues" crazy. I continue to give her the benefit of the doubt even though she continues to show that she is unreasonable and unstable. Case in point....

I have sole custody of LMS, and her mom has supervised visitation. Only that visitation is not scheduled so really she has NO visitation until one of us schedules it. She also has no real rights to how and were LMS is schooled. When I registered LMS for school I gave the school a copy of our custody order and I told them to let me know if her mom ever showed up. One day LMS's mom called and LMS was crying how she missed her. So my BM told her she would come up and visit her at school. When the school called and informed me she was there I told them that it was ok if she visits with her but she could not take LMS anywhere. My thoughts were that if her mom sees her there that is a controlled environment and everyone is happy. This was my mistake because what I didn't consider was my BM is crazy and would show up at her school EVERYDAY!

So on wedensday LMS's teacher says that we should limit visits to 1-2 days a week so she could have a good idea of how LMS was doing in class. After all its hard to grade a kid who has thier mother sitting next to them as they do school work. So I agree, let my BM know that she can't show up everyday via email. She replies with a email about how I'm bitter that SHE doesn't want to be with ME??? I mean I really, really wish I could just post some of our emails because they are so crazy it's just silly.

So on thurday my BM shows up again at LMS's school... Both the principal can teacher call me and say that it's getting out of hand. So I tell them I'll just stop it all together.

I take Friday off and go down to my local police station. I show them my court order and ask what would happen if I banned BM from LMS school... They say it shouldn't be a problem. So I call the school and tell them if she shows again call the police.

Now, at this point I'm thinking about LMS and her schooling. She's not going to learn if her mom shows up in class everyday. I mean who does that? people who have absoloutly nothing else to do thats who! even stay at home moms don't go sit in thier childs class 4 days a week.

So Friday afternoon I get the call... BM came up to the school, told the staff that she had rights and stormed off into LMS's class. They called me then the police. Since I was off and I live around the corner I came up to the school and waited with the principal in her office for the police. The principal calls thier lawyers just to double check that what I'm saying is true and my BM has no right to be up at the school. They agree and once the police show up the school staff lets LMS come into the office, the police suggest I leave before a scene is caused and I heed their suggestion. As me and LMS are walking out my BM follows us.. I ignore her keep walking and leave it to the police and the school.

LMS didn't really react to any of it, she was excited to see police officers and was worried that I wasn't going to let her go play at after care.

The reality is that I'm stuck trying to figure out whats the best situation for LMS to visit with her mom. I've called the county visitation centers but I couldn't get in touch with a person who I could actually schedule the visitation through. I've also looked into therapy for LMS. I'm sure she has plenty of emotions about all of this and she needs to learn how to deal with them. Her mom could possibly visit her during therapy that way they both can get some help.

My other option is to just cut her mom out of her life, Not that I want too but I don't think her mom brings any positives to her. She is self absorbed and needs professional help. LMS seems to have issues whenever she is around. That said she still is her mom and I'd hate for LMS to grow up not having a relationship with her. I just don't want her to be exposed to crazy anymore then she has too.

So while I figure it all out her mom is call and sending rants via email. She called while LMS was hanging with my mom, I didn't answer. When I picked LMS up I asked her if she wanted to call her mom back.. she said NO. So I didn't push it and we went about our business. When she does talk to her mom, LMS makes up reasons to get off the phone. She tells her mom that I have to use the phone or she is about to eat dinner. I mean she just doesn't seem interested in really talking to her mom anymore.

So while we settle into a schedule we also need a schedule on how I'm going to deal with my BM. She's stuck on that I'm bitter and playing games because she doesn't want to be with me and I have no desire to try and explain that I want nothing to do with her and I'm trying to create a better life for LMS.

04 October 2010

As the smoke clears

So now that the baby lives with me I have several issues that need addressed:

Her Mom - lets see it's been about 12 days since the court date and her mom has called 2x. Every now and then LMS cries how she misses her mom but says she loves living with me. Her mom has yet to ask to see LMS though she just calls to talk to her. Reality is I have no idea how this will play out, part of me wishes my BM would just disappear but that's unfair to LMS. Her mom is still her mom and she's going to miss her and want to see her. Mommy is mommy even if her mom was messing her up. LMS told her mom she wanted to see her, so I'll leave it up to my BM to schedule something with me.

The Basics - When I went to LMS's old school to get her transfer papers her teacher told me how she was having problems wiping herself after she used the bathroom and how she often had accidents on herself. Her teacher felt this was a cry for attention and she used it as a way for her mom to come pick her up from school. The first day LMS was with me she used the bathroom on herself. She was also peeing the bed. So she needed help with basic potty training, she had regressed in basic skills. I sat her down and explained that it had to stop, she was just being lazy and I wasn't going for it. She knew when she had to use the bathroom and she should just go instead of trying to hold it till the last second. I also spent 10min in the bathroom re-educating her on how to whip herself clean. I didn't want her starting a new school and having basic problems, kids are mean and she is already overweight. No reason to be smelly too. After 2 days she was fine, no accidents, no problems at school and once she adjusted to her schedule she stopped peeing in the bed at night. Score one for consistency.

Health - LMS is overweight, she has been most her life. I went to see a nutritionist a couple years ago but it was pointless because while I made changes, they were negated by what her mom was feeding her. Not to completely blame my BM for her weight because when LMS was young I had my fair part in feeding her junk, but I changed my habits and started eating better, her mom didn't. She didn't create a schedule for LMS or make sure she got all the sleep she needed. Her weight got out of control. So with her under my wing I'm in control on her diet and exercise. Luckily she loves veggies, so I cut back on her snacks and sweets, limited portion size and started giving her dinner before 6. This lets LMS get to bed before 8 and get 9-10 hours of sleep. In just 1 week she lost 5lbs, She's not starving and she's not complaining about missing anything. It's working out well.

Behavior - This one will be the long term battle, LMS talks to much in class. She's friendly and likes to play even when it's work time. I've talked about it to her repeatedly but I know it will be a issue. while i'm happy she is being interactive and not a recluse given all that's been going on she still needs to learn how to focus on schoolwork and not the bad kids making jokes.

So it's like I'm starting from scratch with a lot of things, I have to mold her into the child I expect her to be and set the foundation that she should have had all along. She is responding better then I could have imagined, She adapts to change like I do. which is good, it's not going to be easy or quick but it will be worth it once everything settles.