01 May 2011

The Growth.... Forgiveness

So for those that might be new to the blog I title any post that deals with me growing as a person "The Growth"... I added a link to the different ones on the right if you want to browse them. They will be the only posts that actually get a label.

Anyway I in one of the comments in my last post someone mentioned the post "I saw her" Wanna here something crazy.... I had blocked that day out of my head until the commenter mentioned it. It was one of the worst days in my life... not THE worst but like top 5. I had not thought about it for a long time and it happened over a year ago. When I read that comment I began to relive that day and it pissed me off. Some things just trigger bad memories.

So with that day and the anger of that day renewed in my brain my Baby Mommas Mother (BMM) asked me if LMS could come over and pick up her easter basket. Mind you BMM and BM are close. BM spends everyday over her house. So I haven't allowed LMS to go over there since I got custody. I'm worried if I left her over there my BM might do something crazy, Also I have no interest in being over there since last time I was there my BM maced me.

It being a holiday I agreed to take LMS over to pick up her basket. They were not home on easter so I ended up going during the week. Before we pull up I explain to LMS that she can't stay long because she has homework to do and I have dinner to cook. We pull up and of course my BM is there, LMS jumps out the car and I stay in with the engine running. BMM and Baby momma Dad (BMD) come out and say thanks to me for bringing LMS. Then BMM asks if I'm coming inside..... I decline but I'm confused as to why she would even ask knowing damn well my BM was inside. She even seemed shocked that I declined and remained in the car. So I'm chilling playing with my phone when BMD walks up to my car and reaches out to shake my hand... I shake his and he says "No hard feelings"....

I was speechless. I mean my first reaction was "no hard feelings towards who?" I mean I didn't do shit to this man, he shouldn't have any hard feelings toward me. Its them that supported their daughter as she was acting a fool. Between him saying that and the memories of the school day in my head, I instantly realized I hate these people. Like really and truly hate them. Not just my BM who I knew I hated but her parents too. Not only were they right there in my BM's corner for every court appearance but now they are smiling in my face trying to be my friend. We've had our disagreements before and I knew they were shady people but I'm just amazed how they want to be friendly now.... like I'm just supposed to forget everything that happened and how they were involved. MAYBE if they started with an apology I'd be open to the idea but right now its just not going to happen.

Heres the thing. by nature I'm a jerk. I don't really express a lot of emotions. I work hard to overcome it and let people know how I feel about them. I've tired to let people knmow how I feel about them rather then just live and not say anything. Its hard to do because its not in my nature. I know my BM's parents have no idea I hate them, granted they should have an idea based on whats happened but I have never explained it to them simply because I didn't feel a need to, They didn't count to me. I never aired out my baby momma either but that was more because I didn't want to give her any ammo for court. Well that and I'm sure anything I tell her will get twisted and misunderstood. When it comes to them I just smile and wave. No amount of fighting will change the facts of what happened. I have no desire to argue with them but they seem to think that my calmness means I'm open to being their friend.

This post was actually supposed to me about me realizing that I'll have to forgive these people at some point. Not today or tomorrow but some point. I can't remember the last person I actually hated besides my BM. I generally cut people loose before I get a chance to hate them. That feeling of dislike is enough for me. But these folks are in that hate zone... one day I'll be able to forgive them and soon after that maybe just maybe forgive my baby momma.

11 comments:

Cas... said...

Wow is all I can say. I do believe you'll get past the "hatred" someday. But for now all you can do is work on forgiveness. Time does heal. I pray you find peace. Be encouraged...

Colleen said...

uh, yeah, Dave...the "God" I believe in thinks some human beings are complete assholes so hate for a little while longer and when you start loving yourself more, and feel stronger in your role as Dad and not Baby Daddy, shhhheeeeeeeet, all you are going to have for those douchebags is complete and utter disdain.

I mean, I dont even know them and they make my lips pucker up like I just ate a bag of lemons and what have you.

SO, yes, you feel this EPIC burning hatred for them now but give it a little while longer and all it will be is vomitorium city anytime you see or think of them. Not even close to hatred just disgust.

And anytime I read one of these posts about that raving psycho baby mama and her family I thank the GOOD LORD we are not neighbors because bitches would have been jumped a long, long time ago.

See, thats the God I believe in. He loves me so he kept my ass in the Bronx so I would not be a convicted felon.

Chin up Big Guy. The BEST is yet to come.

Colleen/Cas

Jazzy said...

he could have came out to shake your hand to let you know he's neutral and doesn't harbor any ill will towards you despite the situation, but who knows. i don't expect her parents to see anything wrong in her behavior or thiers...she is they frankenstein THEY created.

Diamondgirl said...

My daughter's father abused me. I told his mother about the abuse, and how he was didn't support his child once our personal relationship ended. She was so nice and sweet for YEARS... then he started communicating with her again (forgot to mention he told her to kick rocks too because she told him to man up and take care of his seed) ,and all of a sudden I am the immature drama queen. I am now in the process of working on my intense dislike for both of these people. Now at this point not only does my baby have no relationship with him, but because of how crazy she has been acting toward me I can't have her around her grandmother either..... My last phrase to either of them "if your serious about visitation take me to court." fun how life plays out. I guess I should be happy I don't have to deal with them at all

Sha Boogie said...

Ugh.. every time you share about your BM it makes me think of the dramatics with my husband's BM. I can't stand a basic bish!!! You're doing the right thing.. F those crazy heffas, lol

foshead said...

Keep it pushin, Dave. Hate is a strong emotion and I think I have it at time but, in the end, hating them doesn't change a thing. But, I do feel you. I get sick of smiling in my lil mama's granny's face. She doesn't like me and the feeling is pretty damn mutual!

Miss_P said...

Ok, now I feel bad for bringing up that post and opening up an emotional can of worms for you. I'm sure most of your other readers will agree with me when I say that particular post had me crying my eyes out at my desk for you and LMS. You may be a jerk by nature, but you are a damn good father and never deserved what BM put you and the baby through. My father lived 2 blocks away from me until I turned 18 and he never came to see me, although he was there for his other kids. His mother denies to this day that I am his child. I have no love for him or his damn momma. So you being bitter that BM's parents enabled their daughter is completely reasonable. You might get an apology in the future. But you have feelings, too, and those people stomped all over your heart for a long time. Fuck them.

Anonymous said...

I feel you! How could you not have those feelings for ALL of them? You have gone through a lot.


"I've found throughout my life that the unhappiest people are the ones who cling to hate and bitterness and the happiest people are the ones who let go of hate and bitterness. You don't stop hating someone for that person. You do it for yourself."

Emanuel Evans said...

Well, after reading this I now know why BM is crazy as hell. Her parents are freakin crazy!!! So, of course their seed is freakin crazy!!! Not a sane one in the bunch except LMS, which is because she has more of your genes, thank God.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The fact that you know you need to forgive them is the first step. So, the forgiving step will come next in time.

AGFTMW said...

Sadly, it goes both ways, my EX isn't much different from BM. He is a nut job who after 5 years of being divorced, still does stupid shit for the sole purpose of hurting me. He in turn hurts our daughter. I am wondering if the hatred part ever really goes away for some.

Anonymous said...

Learning to let her actions not effect you or LMS is going to be a long road for both of you. Take the higher road, do whats best for the baby. Cutting LMS off from her mother til shes older might be better for her now, but in the big scheme of things kids need parents. She will learn as she gets older how her mother is, she can make her own decisions about her mother. I am the product of a Crazy baby momma, at the age of 12 the judge finally let me move to my dad's house, it was the hardest road I ever have taken. It was lots of adjustments and lots of tears. 30 years later, my crazy mother died all alone, as the oldest of her 4 children by 4 men, I had to bury my mother, due to her poor choices. My dad never kept me from her, I could always go see her anytime I wanted. I just learned as I got older that I didn't like the drama she always brought with her everywhere she went. As a teenager I had a car, a job, and was a honor student. I had the freedom to do anything I wanted, and I did it responsibly. I spent every holiday with my dad, not because I had too but, because it was always calm, no drama, and he never once asked for anything from me. Just know that you don't travel this road alone, many have been there and have come out of it as strong women, without the crazy baby momma who gave birth to them. I was lucky to have a dad who, never once passed judgement on me when I did want to see my mom. And, when I called after a few hours saying I was on my way back home he never once said I told you so. I hope that LMS will grow to make her own judgements on her mother, and that you can find it in yourself to let her. She will always be her mother and she will always love her, but as I found out loving someone does not always mean you like tham or want them to be a part of your life.