28 June 2011

Spanking

Usually I don’t respond to comments which isn't really fair since ya’ll leave great messages. Like 98% of all the comments are positive, you really are some awesome readers. I even enjoy the 2% who disagree with me, that's just part of life.

That said some anonymous reader commented on my “Canceling Christmas” post and said:

“Keep spanking her. When she grows up she will look for a boyfriend, husband, or man who beats her too.”

Now everyone is entitled to their opinion and I welcome them all, I allow anonymous comments so anyone who wants to comment can. Feel free to continue to comment whether you agree with me or not.

The idea that a father can’t spank his daughter because it teaches her that love only comes from abusive men is ignorant to me. I’ve heard it before and ignored it before. Getting a spanking and growing up in an abusive household are 2 completely different things.

I don’t see the connection with dads using spanking as a disciplinary technique for their daughters and women seeking out abusive men. I’m not talking about abusive dads I’m talking about spanking a child who deserves a spanking. If I was a woman this wouldn’t be an issue. Its ok for moms to spank both sons and daughters. Hell I know some women who literally punch their sons in the chest. To my knowledge getting spanked by your mom never lead a dude to seek out abusive women to date. Hell EVERYONE I know got spanked by their mom. My dad used to spank me with this thick ass leather belt. It didn’t make me want to befriend a bunch of dudes who punked me around. Getting spanked by your parents has nothing to do with seeking abusive relationships.

Lets say it did believe that though and I decided I shouldn’t spank LMS. What exactly am I supposed to do when my daughter deserves a spanking? (note: kids need spankings, I’m positive of this. other punishments are only cool when they know it can be worse. If you don’t spank your kids more power to you.)

Ask her mom to come over and spank her? I don’t want that woman in my neighborhood much less in my house.

Maybe ask my mom? that doesn’t seem fair to have grandma be the hammer, i mean shes grandma a person who is supposed to spoil, not discipline.

Maybe a neighbor? That would be kind of awkward to ask your neighbor to spank your kid because you can’t but they say it takes a village right?

Oh wait I can add it to the list of a potential girlfriend “must be willing to spank my daughter since I can’t” yeah that will work

All these options undermine my authority in the house.

I think growing up in an abusive household is much more likely to make my daughter seek out a abusive relationship then getting an occasional spanking from her dad. I spank her as a last resort, not as a first option. I hug her everyday and tell her that I love her and she is my favorite person. She KNOWS I love her and that I get no joy from spanking her. If she grows up thinking that love is a man beating her then I’ll gladly accept that as my failure.

18 comments:

Coco327 said...

So I rarely comment but I have to respond to this. Where do some people come up with the stuff they say. "My daddy spanked me as a child so I am going to find a man to beat me." Yeah that sounds real believeable. Glad you blogged about that and put your thoughts out there. I agree with you. If your child needs a spanking, spank your child.

Jazzy said...

I get email follow-ups so when I saw that anon comment, I was instantly side-eye'g...but it's not my fight. I'm glad you adressed it though.

THIS is why I don't allow anon comments on my blog. People get bold when they're anonymous...and I'd be willing to bet that comment came from someone who regularly comments under a different name too...someone you 'know'.

Monique said...

My thoughts on spanking are as follows: some kids need it, others don't. I don't plan on spanking my daughter, nor do I want her father spanking her - but that's my personal preference.Things may change when she gets here and starts growing up - but I doubt it. I was never spanked, neither was my brother, and each of us have the utmost respect for our mom - we're scared of that woman! (In a positive, she may beat my ass, even though she won't hit me kind of way)

I think as a father, as long as you're conscious about it (which I'm sure you are), it won't lead to any negativity down the road. The comment the reader left is a general statement that definitely is NOT a "one size fits all" deal.

sayitlikethis said...

Take this from a person who works in child abuse & neglect. I deal with these cases EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. There is a HUGE difference between spanking and beating your child. If you're using extension cords, leaving marks, hitting them frying pans, broom handles, etc., that is NOT a spanking. I am not worried about a spanking here and there. I believe that is a parent's choice.

Now, I grew up getting spankings. Not many, just when I deserved them. And I did not seek out an abusive man. In fact, I've NEVER been hit by a guy, much less pushed or verbally abused. And if a man decided he wanted to hit me, he had already been warned that I would kill him in self-defense, no questions asked.

Your anonymous commenter has faulty reasoning. If they understood the psyche that plays into a person being in an abusive relationship, they would understand that it has more to do with self-esteem, self-worth and personal value than it being how they were disciplined as a child. If a child is being abused, they are more likely TO ABUSE than be abused.

Hopefully your post taught that anonymous commenter a thing or two. Know better, do better.

The Jaded NYer said...

Good for you for responding to that comment and sticking to your guns.

I wish some anon fool WOULD come on MY blog and tell me how to raise my children! *rolls eyes* *sucks teeth* I ain't got time!

D said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog though I've been following for a while, sorry for that. But anyway, I think you are a great dad. You try to provide balance for your daughter even though you both are dealing with a somewhat messed up situation. You are doing a better job that most parents that I've seen!!

BK said...

I read and never comment but this brought me out. that comment to me is ridiculous!!!

As her father and primary caretaker if she deserves a spanking then you are within your right to lay it down. spanking her will not allow her to run to an abusive man.. if so then my kids will be in abusive relationships. spanking is a part of parenting and to even insinuate that because you provide your daughter with spankings she will want an abusive man is just absurd!!!

ignorance always hide behind anonymous comments..

Keshia said...

I think that was a ridiculous comment. There is nothing wrong with spanking your child. You are the primary caregiver and it is your responsibility to discipline her the way you see fit. I think that anonymous person was out of line & crazy. That statement is like saying I'm going to be abusive to men because my mother spanked me. I don't think so. Trust me your daughter will thank you later, I know I thanked my mom.

ShaBoogiesince1982 said...

Uhm.. go tell anonymous to go sit down in a corner somewhere!

Anywho.. I agree with Monique - some kids need it, others don't. No way do I feel that you spanking her will lead to her seeking an abusive relationship; on the contrary its quite the opposite! If there isn't that 'tough love' when needed she will run into the arms of some punk! Sayitlikethis is right - there is a HUGE difference between spanking and beating.

She knows you love her and disciplining when need be isn't a failure in anyway. Keep up the good work Dave!

RealHustla said...

First off, Jazzy I try to use my google sign in to leave comments and it automatically asigns me the title of anonymous. And therefore I can't comment sometimes. I hate that! Please look into it. Pretty please, thank you.

I was spanked by both parents. I know for a fact that I have come across some potentially abusive men in my dating adventures. But what they all knew is that I was not the woman they could hit on. I don't have that hit-me personality. Yes, I believe women allow this to occur to a great extent. My point is, is that I rarely felt unjustly abused and when I did it was from my mom and I made sure (in my own little girl way) that my dad took care of it. I knew the difference. BD1 likes intimidation technique. Even though I've always stood up to him he had me a little nervous once. Shoot I told my daddy who told BD1 very calmly, "look man, I'm not gonna get in y'alls business. But some fists start flying and I will." Dave, you can use that when LMS introduces you to a dumbass.

Anonymous said...

You should spank her whether she deserves it or not. Sometimes a spanking first thing out the bed gets the blood flowing and sets you up to act right for the rest of the day... wait, that's an adult rated spanking. Hold on, what are we talking about again?

Ms. Behaving said...

Reason 3,474,747 why i.Can't with the anonymous comments. Nope.

I mean...plenty of folks survived gettin' that ass tagged as kids and sure some of us ended up in the hands of an abuser later on in our lives NOT because we were spanked but simply because there's an abundance of jerks among us.

12kyle said...

Props to you for allowing anon comments. I had to stop it on my blog b/c I kept getting spammed.

I think every kid should be spanked...when they deserve it. I think there are a small percentage of kids who don't need to be spanked. MOST kids need it! As parents, we must discipline our children. If we don't, the law will.

Spanking her shows that you care and you love her. She knows that. And she'll thank you for it later in life.

she says whatever said...

I had to read this post TWICE. I can't believe someone really thinks that way. As the kids on twitter say #whohurtyou? Apparently you have a "fan". Block that particular IP number if you can.

Everyone doesn't have to agree with you but they should keep it respectful and stand by their comment with info that identifies them which encourages conversation versus just being an anonymous asshole.

PinkLady said...

I rarely comment, but I had to weigh in on this.

My dad never spanked me growing up, but my mom did. Found out later, she wouldn't let my father hit me b/c she said men hit too hard and might not know their strength. Found out even later, my grandad hit my mom and she didn't think it was right.

She was beat old school, but she didn't grow up and marry/date abusive men at all. Actually, my dad is quite the opposite.

So whoever posted that comment was WAY off! Maybe that was her personal experience, but it definitely doesn't apply to all.

Anonymous said...

Good post Dave and I totaly agree with you. As long as she knows you love her then a spanking where needed is okay. I don't wanna say anything negative about the persons comment because it is their opinion but it doesn't hold a lot of weight and kids need the balance. Thats whats wrong with kids nowadays they have no discipline and just so disrespectful.. You are doing a great job with your daughter!

Towanna

chele said...

I have an issue with anonymous commenters. All that false bravado from behind a PC monitor.

Anyway, I was spanked as a child and I spanked my children. No one around these parts is associating violence with love.

Colleen said...

I often wonder about these advocates for talking it out rather than smacking the shit out of your own kids when they step out of line.

Sure, sure. Reason is always best. But when I tell you to do something once, then twice, then three times...the next time I tell you my words will come in the form of a swift kick in the ass, a smack with a wet hand (which really stings by the way) or a die hard beating WITH my weapon of choice. Mind you, both of my sons are 6'4 and 6'3. Ive been instilling the fear of God/Mom in them for quite some time. Rules are rules in my house. You step out of bounds, you get checked according to my rules. If they dont respect Mom's rules, you'll have a problem with the laws of society. The resut of breaking society's are getting beat down by the boys in blue - with a possible baton crammed into your ass IF you survive the beating - or being sent to jail where a baton in the ass will seem like a mosquito bite compared the train the gang members will run on you when they decide you are the new prison bitch. That's reality.

I've had to resort to all kinds of measures to keep my kids in line. One was even arrested for putting a sticker on a plywood board wall around a vacant lot (charges dropped, nypd sued, case still in litigation). Who the fuck is anyone to tell me how to discipline my children? Bitch, what?????

Dave, if you DON'T control LMS such that she recognizes boundaries and learns how to respect herself and others, another man WILL...be it a cop, a pimp, or an abusive husband. Anonymous has it all twisted. Maybe anonymous Dad was doing a bit more than beating her ass for stepping out of line...sexual violence is often misinterpreted for "discipline". Considering the environment LMS lived in before you were awarded custody, I suspect you may have years of inept, ineffective parenting to undue. Follow your gut instinct Dave. If LMS behaves badly, fire off a couple of warning shot. Three strikes and she is asking for three strikes - with a belt or hand. Do what you must to exercise your right to discipline your daughter. She's YOUR daughter.

I once threw an entire Christmas tree - lights, ornaments and all - at my son AND their Dad when I realized the two co-conspired against me to hide his progress report so he could get as many Christmas gifts as possible. I spent over $7000 on my family that year. Needless to say, father and son were horrified and scared shitless.

Peace,
Cas