16 August 2011

Bad Guy

So I had a plan to blog about the car show I went to 2 Saturdays but I kinda lost interest in talking about it, plus my cousin took forever to send me the pictures so yeah.... maybe later

What I did want to talk about is my new title as "A Miserable Person"... at least thats what my baby momma likes to call me. Not to my face but when shes on the phone with LMS. I know this because LMS likes talking with the speaker phone on. Thing is I'm pretty happy. I have no idea where she gets the idea that I’m miserable from. Well that’s not true because when she is around I get stone faced and quiet. I’ve taken to policy to only speak when I have to. Its actually helped a lot, I’m over arguing with her over stuff, I’m working on moving on. I’m sure it seems like I’m always unhappy though. Anyway Lets ignore the whole “don’t talk bad about the other parent to the kids” rule and focus on the bigger issue.

I’m stuck being the bad guy. Answering questions like “Why can’t you be nice to mommy?” What hurts is watching your daughter cry and having no way to console her. I swear nothing makes me feel worse then thinking I’m causing LMS to cry. Not like “I want some candy and daddy said no” crying but the broken hearted crying. Crying because she wants to see her mom and I’m the reason she can’t. The other day was bad because when her mom came to drop her off she cried and cried how she did'nt want to leave her. Really if you would have been watching it was heartbreaking. A kid being taken from her mom and being forced to go with the mean man. I almost felt bad. This can’t be my life right? For the next hour I was consoling a little girl and I had no real response for her besides that she is better off with me. The truth is shes 7 and has no idea what I mean, I get that. All she knows is moms house is more fun and dad has all these rules. She doesn't understand how the rules help her function and how I'm teaching her how to be a responsible, functioning person. I understand why LMS’s gets sad... shes just a kid who wants her mom. I really feel for her but I have to do whats best for her.

Added to that is how my BM uses this as a way to make me look bad. She'll ask LMS questions she KNOWS i'ma say no too. She'll ask LMS to ask me even after I've told her no, like having LMS ask me will change my mind. So then I look like the asshole. Thing is I don't feel bad about it. I’m comfortable in the asshole role. It sounds bad but I honestly believe the less interaction she has with her mom the better.

One of my favorite quotes is “"I'm not telling you it is going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it" by Art Williams. I often repeat it to myself and friends when they are going thru tough times. I have to remind myself that the happy times with LMS way out number the sad ones and even though I have to be the bad guy at times it will all be worth it.


Eccentric_Girl said...

This is so unfortunate and immature on BM's part. What's worse is there is a child in the middle of this, and BM is using LMS to manipulate the situation. Very sad! Any time a parent does that to a child, it is clear they really DON'T have the child's best interest at heart, which means LMS is so much better off with you and I'm glad she's with you. As far as the "talking bad about the other parent thing", IMO that's on the brink of psychological abuse - so is the manipulation btw. I wonder if there is anything you can do about that? And could it be possible that BM speak to YOU directly instead of going through LMS for aproval to do things with her? Or will that just make things worse? It's just a thought. BM is a real piece of work. She needs to grow up as a mother/woman already.

Thoughtsofsoutherngal said...

I so agree with the commenter above. BM needs to grow up. She's trying to cause a riff between you LMS and she's doing nothing but hurting her own child.

I feel like shaking the ish out her.

Mia said...

You know your daughter better than any of us but I'd be willing to bet she understands more than you think she does. Children often do. I do agree that one shouldn't (malisciously) talk poorly about the other parent to their child/children but there are age-appropriate ways to help explain situations to them.

I used to have a similar problem with my daughter's father. Explaining to him that he was only hurting her by sticking her in the middle wasn't cutting it. I sat her down and spoke with her (age-appropriately) about it. Among other things (like sometimes Mommy has to say no) I explained that I know she loves her Dad and how special and important it is for her to have a relationship with him. It wasn't magic fairy dust that made everything all better but it sure helped a lot.

Anonymous said...

LMS may not understand it now but she will definitely appreciate it all you do for her when she is old enough to understand what her mom is doing.


ShaBoogiesince1982 said...

Your BM has got to be my husband's BM's step cousin or something..lol She does the same exact foolishness and it drives me insane! The talking to the child about the other parent, trying to make the responsible parent look like the bad guy, etc.. *sigh* I believe in that quote like my life depends on it, dealing with our situation. Keep up the good work, it WILL pay off.

La said...

My parents had a nasty divorce. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't pretty for much of my childhood. And I used to resent my daddy ALOT, both for things he'd done and for things my mom told me he'd done that turned out not to be true.

But then I grew up. And discovered the truth for myself. Got some distance from the situation and a little more living under my belt, and can look at things more clearly. It is a moment that happens to every child I think, but is especially pronounced when there is strife in your parent's relationship with each other. It will come for LMS. If you keep doing what you're doing and what you feel is best, eventually when she will get older she will recognize that she knows you for who you are and what you've done, not for the lies and resentments her mom has tried to pass on to her. Just like I did.

Anonymous said...

Your story is interesting, that is why I check out your blog periodically.

Don't take this wrong, but could you take a moment to work out the difference between then and than, it is driving me crazy as I read your comments.