08 October 2011

The Rant

Settle in this is going to be a long post. Only because I'm going to cover a lot of stuff.

So whats up? I can't really explain it. I'm just uninspired to do anything. All I want to do is sleep all day and I refuse to do that because sleeping all day is lame. Does that even make sense? I force myself to do stuff just so I'm productive but my heart really isn't in it.

Examples?? Sure! Lets see it took me 2 days to clean 1 level of my house. I'd like to say I live in a house that's huge and it just takes that long but honestly its like a 2 hour job. I was just being lazy. My room has been a mess for 3 weeks, I don't even care. I'd much rather sit on my couch and watch TV. I forced myself to blog only because it had been a while. you can tell that Vegas pt3 post was mailed in. I go to work and just BS on gchat, I got a new project and I forced myself to dive into it not because I was so exciting but because I needed the distraction.

What else.... LMS has been acting a fool at school. I don't even know why, maybe she is acting out but she has been disrespectful to her teachers and just on some other shit. On friday she came home with a bad behavior grade, no shoe laces and a cut strap on her book bag. Like seriously was she just in jail?? She hasn't seen TV in 3 days and she don't seem to care. When we got home she asked if she could got to bed after dinner. she was sleep by 6:30pm. I don't even know what else I can use to discipline her. Other odd thing? shes getting all A's and B's on her school work. She just doesn't want to listen to any adults, she wants to do what she wants. I was talking to her therapist about it and she suggested telling her mom since LMS respects her moms opinion. I figured it was worth a shot so I told her she was having problems. Her response? "You have to consider her adjustment but of course you wouldn't" Now I agree this has been an adjustment for everyone but its been a year and I refuse to let LMS use it as an excuse for acting up in school. If I let her start making excuses now she will be making them forever. I wasn't really mad at her comment but I was mad that she didn't even ask LMS to do better. It was like it was all my fault and my problem, it just made me shake my head.

Speaking of my BM I'm pretty sure we will be back in court in the next week or 2. Why? because she decided she wanted to switch weekends so she could have both her kids on the same weekend. This made sense to me so I agreed. I wanted LMS to spend time with her brother. We switch weekends then my BM realizes that she would have had LMS on X-mas morning under the previous schedule. So 2 weeks after we switch she wants to switch back, I decline because I didn't want to have her keep switching whenever she felt like it. Instead suggest we work out a schedule for the holidays. I even sent a schedule that would give her more time with LMS then the court order currently provides (our court order has no mentions for holidays or summer breaks). I guess she figured she would force me to switch weekends by not showing up for her scheduled pickup. So last friday me and LMS waited for her and she never showed. We called and no answered. Cue crying baby and pissed daddy, so I took LMS out to dinner and to get some ice cream. We went home and my thoughts went from "I hate that bitch" to "Maybe something happened to her and she had a real reason". Then around 2pm on saturday she calls, LMS tells her she didn't show and she offers to pick her up in 30min. I agree to meet her since LMS was looking forward to it. Then LMS got super excited she was singing a song excited. I don't know why but this upset me, like the night before her heart was broken about and she was mad but now all is forgiven. LMS forgives but I don't.... so I meet my BM at the drop of location and she didn't offer any explanation as to why she was a no show the night before. Then 20min later I get a text saying that even though she picked LMS up that she wasn't giving up HER upcoming weekend . I calmly explained that this current weekend was hers and next was mine, this lead to her saying that the court order said different and she would have it enforced. So to recap SHE asked me to switch the weekends on the court order and then she wants to use that same order to switch them back. In the end this is what I get for trying to be reasonable with a unreasonable person. Lesson learned.... again

Back to being uninspired... so I realized that I don't even have the motivation to purse women. Like the allure of pussy ain't what it used to be. Whats wrong with me?? I have no desire to court and build anything with anyone. I just want to chill in the house. I went out a couple times and just got bored. Like with everything else my heart wasn't in it. I was just going through the motions. Motions I had been through countless times before. Do you know how repetitive it all is? I used to love that repetitiveness, now not so much. I was telling my friend that I didn't even like first dates anymore. Like I used to LOVE them. I'm sure its more then getting old, My mind is just trying to focus on other things. I have no idea what though, its all a blur. Have I mention this before? I have thought about it a lot but I don't know if I blogged about it.

Then there is work. I love the people I work with but I hardly feel challenged. I haven't put a real effort into finding a new job. I need to move on, just haven't felt like looking. I had a couple phone interviews but nothing serious. I'm not learning anything or expanding my skill set where I'm at. I've been there 11 years and the only promotion left is into management. I don't want to manage people, I've had a taste of it and I didn't like it. I enjoy being a worker bee. I'd rather just work at a place that challenges me.

Anyway I think there is something I'm supposed to be learning but I don't know what it is. Sometimes growth is hard.

ps... I didn't really proof read this, didn't feel like doing that either lol.


Adrienne said...

(((((HUGS)))) Praying that you can get out of the funk you are in. I was there not too long ago and it took a LOT for me to get out of it but I did. Hang in there.

cyn said...

Hang in there. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom.

Anonymous said...

I truly understand what you are going thru I feel so unmotivated myself. I forced myself to get some things done this weekend that I have been putting off for weeks. You will get thru it just keep pushing!!


Creative1k said...

I concur

DivafromSC said...

I feel you on the dating issue. I have no desire or drive either. LOL!! Just hang in there, I'm sure you'll come out of your funk and find motivation from somewhere, soon!

Monique said...

I have a thought...and this is just a thought but you think perhaps since you've been so focused on making sure that LMS is healing and doing ok with that all the changes that you forgot about yourself?

You've had some major things happen in the past year. It may help for you to get some counseling and talk with someone about it. Just a thought.

Love to you both.

much2inspired said...

I'm late, but as for your daughter, I can understand your urge to break the habit of using the transition as an excuse. You are right in the fact that it can become a crutch through life, an excuse.

You mentioned she is getting all A's and B's, but acting out at the adults. I can tell you for free, chances are she is bored in her classes. Have you explored whether her school work is too easy for her?

Best wishes.

SincerelyGo said...

You didn't seem like you were ready to hop out the tallest window. It's perfectly normal to lose patience, get angry and need some time to just absorb it all. Or even take that "moment" you need. Does sound deep though. Well I hope the holidays bring you cheer at least!I don't know maybe a few smooches under the mistletoe will get you going again.