16 August 2011

Bad Guy

So I had a plan to blog about the car show I went to 2 Saturdays but I kinda lost interest in talking about it, plus my cousin took forever to send me the pictures so yeah.... maybe later

What I did want to talk about is my new title as "A Miserable Person"... at least thats what my baby momma likes to call me. Not to my face but when shes on the phone with LMS. I know this because LMS likes talking with the speaker phone on. Thing is I'm pretty happy. I have no idea where she gets the idea that I’m miserable from. Well that’s not true because when she is around I get stone faced and quiet. I’ve taken to policy to only speak when I have to. Its actually helped a lot, I’m over arguing with her over stuff, I’m working on moving on. I’m sure it seems like I’m always unhappy though. Anyway Lets ignore the whole “don’t talk bad about the other parent to the kids” rule and focus on the bigger issue.

I’m stuck being the bad guy. Answering questions like “Why can’t you be nice to mommy?” What hurts is watching your daughter cry and having no way to console her. I swear nothing makes me feel worse then thinking I’m causing LMS to cry. Not like “I want some candy and daddy said no” crying but the broken hearted crying. Crying because she wants to see her mom and I’m the reason she can’t. The other day was bad because when her mom came to drop her off she cried and cried how she did'nt want to leave her. Really if you would have been watching it was heartbreaking. A kid being taken from her mom and being forced to go with the mean man. I almost felt bad. This can’t be my life right? For the next hour I was consoling a little girl and I had no real response for her besides that she is better off with me. The truth is shes 7 and has no idea what I mean, I get that. All she knows is moms house is more fun and dad has all these rules. She doesn't understand how the rules help her function and how I'm teaching her how to be a responsible, functioning person. I understand why LMS’s gets sad... shes just a kid who wants her mom. I really feel for her but I have to do whats best for her.

Added to that is how my BM uses this as a way to make me look bad. She'll ask LMS questions she KNOWS i'ma say no too. She'll ask LMS to ask me even after I've told her no, like having LMS ask me will change my mind. So then I look like the asshole. Thing is I don't feel bad about it. I’m comfortable in the asshole role. It sounds bad but I honestly believe the less interaction she has with her mom the better.

One of my favorite quotes is “"I'm not telling you it is going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it" by Art Williams. I often repeat it to myself and friends when they are going thru tough times. I have to remind myself that the happy times with LMS way out number the sad ones and even though I have to be the bad guy at times it will all be worth it.